Work Text: 作品文本：
Sirius was in the middle of brushing his teeth when a loud crack! sounded right outside the bedroom door. He spun, dropping his toothbrush into the sink and swallowing his mouthful of toothpaste, and reached for his wand.
小天狼星正在刷牙，这时一声巨响！ 就在卧室门外响起。他转过身来，把牙刷掉进水槽里，吞下了满口的牙膏，然后伸手去拿他的魔杖。
When he rushed out into the bedroom and saw that it was only Harry, a bit tousled and leaning casually against the door, he let out a relieved breath and let his hand fall away.
当他冲进卧室，看到只有哈利，有点凌乱，随意地靠在门上时，他松了一口气，把手放开了。
“Merlin’s balls, Harry,” He said, wiping the last of the toothpaste from his mouth, “you almost scared my pants off! What are you doing here this late? Did something happen?”
“梅林的蛋蛋，哈利，”他说，擦掉嘴里最后的牙膏，“你差点把我的裤子吓坏了！你这么晚来这里干什么？发生了什么事吗？
It had been a few years since the end of the war, enough time for Harry to graduate and finish Auror training (expedited, thanks to his demonstrable and extensive experience with the more practical aspects of the job). Enough time for Sirius finally get exonerated and move out to a cozy cottage in the Lake District, which was as different a house from Grimmauld Place as he could find. Enough time even that he’d stopped waking up with nightmares most nights, and he’d even started to entertain to the idea of finding a job. Just something to keep him busy during the day so he wouldn’t keep attempting to garden (he’d always had a black thumb, and the only thing that survived from his manic first summer of planting were the rambling roses that had gone feral by now and were intent on taking over the whole garden) or popping over to Moony’s place unannounced (Teddy loved the impromptu visits from his Uncle Padfoot, but Tonks was less appreciative, especially when her attempts to ambush her husband with romantic plans after dinner had to be put aside because her husband’s best friend had fallen asleep as a dog at the foot of their bed).
战争结束已经有几年了，哈利有足够的时间毕业并完成傲罗训练（多亏了他在工作更实际方面表现出来的广泛经验，这才是加速的）。有足够的时间让小天狼星终于被免除罪责，搬到湖区的一座舒适的小屋里，这是他能找到的与格里莫广场一样不同的房子。即使他大多数晚上都不再被噩梦惊醒，他甚至开始考虑找工作的想法。只是让他白天忙碌的东西，这样他就不会一直试图种菜（他总是有一个黑色的拇指，在他狂躁的第一个夏天种植中唯一幸存下来的是那些杂乱无章的玫瑰，这些玫瑰现在已经变得野蛮，打算占领整个花园）或突然出现在 Moony 的家里（Teddy 喜欢他的叔叔 Padfoot 的即兴访问，但 Tonks 不太感激，尤其是当她试图在晚饭后用浪漫的计划伏击她的丈夫时，因为她丈夫最好的朋友在他们的床脚下像狗一样睡着了，所以不得不搁置）。
But certain habits still lingered, such as the spike of his pulse when he had an unexpected guest, and the panic coursing through him as he rushed over to check Harry for injuries.
但有些习惯仍然存在，比如当他有个不速之客时他的脉搏会飙升，以及当他冲过去检查哈利有没有受伤时，他的恐慌在他身上蔓延。
Harry was fine, at least physically. He did have a strange look on his face, an uncharacteristically wide smile as Sirius patted him down, searching signs of bleeding or broken bones. He was still in his Auror robes, which were supposed to be spellproof and layered with protective charms, so perhaps it had been some kind of potion, or—
哈利没事，至少身体上是这样。他的脸上确实露出了奇怪的表情，小天狼星拍拍他时，脸上露出了一副异常灿烂的笑容，寻找着流血或骨折的迹象。他仍然穿着他的傲罗长袍，这件长袍应该是防咒的，上面有多层保护咒，所以也许那是某种魔药，或者——
Harry gently caught Sirius’ wrists, and drew his hands away from trying to confirm if Harry still had all his ribs intact. He set them around his waist instead. Sirius did not expect this, which was the only reason he didn’t move his hands away immediately. The reason he squeezed, he told himself, was to check if there was some injury there after all that Harry was attempting to show him in a roundabout way.
哈利轻轻地抓住小天狼星的手腕，把他的手抽开，试图确认哈利的肋骨是否还完好无损。他把它们放在了自己的腰上。小天狼星没想到会这样，这也是他没有立即把手移开的唯一原因。他告诉自己，他之所以捏捏，是为了检查那里是否有伤，毕竟哈利试图以迂回的方式给他看。
As soon as he realized that no, Harry was not bleeding or suffering an unfortunate hernia in the region of his (firm, narrow) waist, Sirius drew his hands back quickly, tucking them by his sides just to be safe.
当他意识到没有，哈利没有流血，也没有在他（结实、狭窄的）腰部区域患上不幸的疝气时，小天狼星迅速收回双手，为了安全起见，它们把它们塞在身体两侧。
“I’m fine,” Harry said, lips pursed in a slight pout, “though it is a pity.” He leaned forward abruptly, as if he were about to pitch directly into Sirius’ lap.
“我没事，”哈利说，微微撅起嘴唇，“虽然很可惜。他突然向前倾，仿佛要直接扑向小天狼星的腿。
“What is?” Sirius frowned and caught him by the shoulders before he fell over.
“什么？”小天狼星皱着眉头，抓住了他的肩膀，然后他倒下了。
“I would have liked to see you with your pants off,” Harry said in a loud whisper. He glanced up, between his lashes, two pink spots high on his cheeks even as his smile widened even further.
“我很想看到你脱掉裤子，”哈利大声低声说。他抬头看了一眼睫毛之间，脸颊上有两个粉红色的斑点，尽管他的笑容更加灿烂了。
Sirius stared at him for a moment before the words registered, and a flush of heat crawled up his neck. “W-what?” He said, shoving Harry back onto his feet, “are you drunk? Did you hit your head during work today? What are you doing here when you should be getting that checked out at St. Mungo’s?”
小天狼星盯着他看了一会儿，然后一股热气爬上了他的脖子。“什么——什么？”他说，把哈利推回去，“你喝醉了吗？你今天上班的时候撞到头了吗？你应该去圣芒戈医院检查一下，你在这里做什么？
“I just wanted to see you,” Harry said, apparently only in response to the last question.
“我只是想见你，”哈利说，显然只是在回答最后一个问题。
Sirius knew then that something was definitely wrong.
小天狼星那时就知道肯定有什么不对劲。
It wasn’t like Harry to Apparate directly into his house. No matter how many times Sirius told him he was welcome inside whenever he liked, Harry always walked up to the front door and knocked, like any other house guest. Sirius had wondered, in his more melancholic periods, if the distance Harry put between them was because he could sense certain undertones to their closeness, the ones that Sirius tried so desperately to hide.
哈利不像直接幻影进入他的房子。无论小天狼星告诉他，只要他愿意，随时欢迎他进来，哈利总是走到前门敲门，就像其他任何房客一样。小天狼星在想，在他更忧郁的时期，哈利在他们之间保持的距离，是不是因为他能感觉到他们之间的某些隐含，那些小天狼星拼命试图隐藏的暗示。
It didn’t help that the first time Harry had come over unannounced, he’d caught Sirius stepping out of the shower. In Sirius’ defense, he hadn’t had many visitors in those days. He rarely had any now, with the layers of protective wards surrounding the place, but Harry was the only one the wards were not designed to keep out.
哈利第一次突然过来时，他发现小天狼星从淋浴间里走出来，这无济于事。在小天狼星的辩护中，那些日子里他没有多少访客。他现在很少有访客了，这个地方周围有层层的保护病房，但哈利是唯一一个被病房设计得不是为了挡住的人。
“Although, your pyjamas do look quite good on you too,” Harry added, sounding hopeful.
“不过，你的睡衣穿起来也挺好看的，”哈利补充道，听起来很有希望。
Sirius looked down at his pyjamas, which were flannel, printed with little paw prints, and covered in no small amount of dog fur. Harry had gotten them for him last Christmas, after Sirius had confessed that he was no longer spending the whole night as Padfoot anymore, as he had for the last decade and a half, and was now in the market for appropriate sleepwear. He looked back up at Harry, who gave him an exaggerated wink.
小天狼星低头看了看他的睡衣，那是法兰绒的，上面印着小爪印，上面覆盖着不少的狗毛。哈利是去年圣诞节给他买的，当时小天狼星已经承认，他不再像过去十五年那样整夜都穿着羊脚裤了，现在他正在市场上寻找合适的睡衣。他抬头看向哈利，哈利夸张地眨了眨眼。
A cold feeling sank into the pit of Sirius’ stomach.
一股冰冷的感觉沉入了小天狼星的胃里。
It was even less like Harry to break his personal unspoken rule to Apparate into Sirius’ house at ten in the evening, just to flirt outrageously with his godfather. Whatever tension might or might not exist unspoken between them had always been hidden. Buried so deep it’d take one of those clawed muggle digging machines to unearth it.
哈利更不像是打破他个人的潜规则，在晚上十点幻影进入小天狼星的房子，只是为了和他的教父无耻地调情。他们之间可能存在或不存在的紧张关系，无论他们之间是否存在，都一直隐藏着。埋得这么深，需要一台带爪的麻瓜挖掘机才能挖出来。
“That’s it, I’m taking you to St. Mungo’s to get checked for mind-altering potions or curses.” Sirius said, catching Harry by the elbow, and preparing to Apparate them directly to the emergency department. He was wholly unprepared for Harry to grab him back, spin him around until his back was pressed against the wall by the door. Harry loomed over him, hands pressed to the wall on either side of his head, an effect that was only slightly undermined by the fact that Sirius could see him on his tiptoes.
“就是这样，我带你去圣芒戈去检查一下改变心灵的魔药或诅咒。”小天狼星说着，抓住哈利的胳膊肘，准备直接把他们送到急诊室。他完全没有准备好哈利把他拉回来，让他转来转去，直到他的背贴在门边的墙上。哈利若隐若现地压在他身上，双手按在他头两侧的墙上，这种效果只是因为小天狼星能看到他踮起脚尖的事实而略微削弱了。
He gaped up at Harry’s face, which was suddenly just a few inches away from his own.
他目瞪口呆地看着哈利的脸，这张脸突然离他自己的脸只有几英寸远了。
“Harry!” he said, trying to sound affronted, but his throat was suddenly much too dry and his heart was making a good effort to beat its way out of his rib cage. Up close, he could see the deep sea-glass green of Harry’s eyes, flecked with hazel, slowly being swallowed up by dark pupil.
“哈利！”他说，试图听起来像是被冒犯了，但他的喉咙突然变得太干了，他的心脏正在努力从胸腔里跳出来。近距离看，他能看到哈利深邃的海玻璃绿色眼睛，点缀着淡褐色的斑点，慢慢地被黑色的瞳孔吞噬。
Harry had finally grown into the strong lines of his face sometime around his twentieth birthday, and shot up another two inches, which put him at just about the same height as Sirius. If people thought Harry looked like his father when he had been a teen, it was clear now that he had also inherited much of Lily’s sturdy Northern stock. Auror training, even the abbreviated version, had done much good for his biceps and shoulders, which were just as firm as Sirius had imagined under his hands.
哈利终于在他二十岁生日前后的某个时候长出了他脸上浓密的线条，又长高了两英寸，这使他的身高与小天狼星差不多。如果说人们认为哈利十几岁时长得像他爸爸，那么现在很明显，他也继承了莉莉的大部分强壮的北方血统。傲罗训练，即使是简化的版本，对他的二头肌和肩膀也有很大的好处，它们和小天狼星想象中的一样结实。
He found himself staring at the pink tip of Harry’s tongue as it darted out and swept across his lips. Almost unconsciously, he did the same, and watched with fascination as Harry’s eyes dipped down towards the movement and his pupils dilated further.
他发现自己盯着哈利粉红色的舌尖，它飞出，扫过他的嘴唇。几乎是无意识地，他也做了同样的事情，并着迷地看着哈利的眼睛低头看向这个动作，他的瞳孔进一步放大。
He opened his mouth, but whatever words he’d wanted to say must have gotten lost somewhere down his uncharacteristically dry throat, because his mind blanked completely as he tried to form them.
他张开了嘴，但无论他想说什么，他肯定都消失在他异常干燥的喉咙里的某个地方，因为当他试图构建它们时，他的大脑完全空白了。
After a moment, Harry huffed and leaned back.
过了一会儿，哈利气喘吁吁地向后靠了靠。
Sirius tamped down viciously on the sudden disappointment he was not supposed to be feeling.
小天狼星恶狠狠地压制住了他本不该感受到的突然失望。
“Okay, so there was a potion,” Harry admitted, “we were ambushed by a clumsy, er, fan I suppose during routine patrol today, and I didn’t dodge it in time. It wasn’t anything malicious—I’ve spent all afternoon getting it looked at by the department medics, and then Hermione came over and cast at least ten different dark magic diagnostic spells on me, and they’ve all said it’s harmless. From what they gathered from the, ah, subject involved—I think he was going to drink it himself, actually—it removes my inhibitions for a while, kind of like being drunk without all the wobbling and double vision. It’s pretty nice, actually. I feel like I can do anything.”
“好吧，所以有种魔药，”哈利承认道，“我们今天例行巡逻时被一个笨拙的，呃，我猜是扇子伏击的，我没来得及躲开。这没什么恶意的——我花了一整个下午的时间让部门的医生看了看，然后赫敏过来对我施了至少十种不同的黑魔法诊断咒语，他们都说这是无害的。从他们从所涉及的对象那里收集到的信息来看——我想他自己真的要喝了——它暂时消除了我的禁忌，有点像喝醉了，没有所有的摇晃和复视。实际上，这很好。我觉得我什么都能做。
Sirius breathed out. Alright, so Harry was a bit addled, which was not good. But it would wear off sooner rather than later, which was.
小天狼星呼出一口气。好吧，所以哈利有点烦躁，这并不好。但它迟早会消失的，确实如此。
“Shouldn’t you be at home sleeping it off then?” He said, “sounds dangerous, doing anything.”
“那你不应该在家里睡一觉吗？”他说，“听起来很危险，做任何事情。
Harry shrugged. He still hadn’t moved back any further. “That’s what Hermione said. She made me Floo back, but it was so quiet at my flat that I decided I wanted to come here instead.”
哈利耸耸肩。他仍然没有再往后走。“赫敏是这么说的。她让我回到了飞路，但我的公寓里太安静了，所以我决定来这里。
Sirius smiled despite himself and raised his eyebrows. “Missed my bark?”
小天狼星不由自主地笑了笑，扬起了眉毛。“想念我的吠叫？”
Harry frowned faintly. “Because I like you,” he said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
哈利淡淡地皱起眉头。“因为我喜欢你，”他说，仿佛这是世界上最明显的事情。
If there was anything that could catch Sirius off-guard, then it was such a frank confession out of his godson’s mouth. Harry, he had come to find over the years, kept much inside. He hadn’t told Sirius about living the Dursleys—treated like a house-elf, wearing cast-off clothes and missing too many meals—until he’d been a legal adult, and on the run from Voldemort. He hadn’t told anyone about the content of Dumbledore’s tutoring sessions in sixth year—and what conclusion they had slowly but surely led him to—before he had walked into the Forbidden Forest to his death without a word. He would rather swallow his tongue than admit to something so mundane as liking someone out loud. That had been why all of his romantic relationships had not worked out.
如果有什么能让小天狼星措手不及的话，那就是从他的教子口中坦率地表白。这些年来，他发现哈利把很多东西藏在心里。他没有告诉小天狼星过德思礼家的事情——被当作家养小精灵对待，穿着废弃的衣服，错过了太多的饭菜——直到他成年了，逃离了伏地魔。他没有告诉任何人邓布利多六年级的辅导课的内容——以及这些课慢慢但肯定地让他得出了什么结论——直到他一言不发地走进禁林走向死亡。他宁愿咽下自己的舌头，也不愿承认像大声喜欢一个人这样平凡的事情。这就是为什么他所有的恋情都没有成功的原因。
Perhaps Sirius was in part to blame. There were things he kept quiet too, things he had locked in a deep, dark trunk in his mind and Vanished the key. Things like his own childhood, the vitriolic words his mother said to him when he’d left, the dark stretch of time in Azkaban before he’d figured out that being Padfoot helped keep the Dementors out of his mind. Things like the way he had still seen James out of corner of his eye sometimes after he’d escaped, and how the way he looked at Harry had changed in the last few years. He especially could never admit to any of this in front of his godson, who was meant to look up to him as the parental figure he never had, who needed him to be a safe, stable presence in his life instead of someone who would only muck it up further.
也许小天狼星要负部分责任。有些事情他也保持沉默，有些事情他被锁在脑海中一个深深的黑暗箱子里，然后钥匙就消失了。比如他自己的童年，他母亲在他离开时对他说的尖刻的话，在他弄清楚成为帕德足有助于将摄魂怪从他的脑海中排除之前，在阿兹卡班的黑暗时光。比如他有时在逃跑后仍然用眼角的余光看到詹姆斯，以及他看哈利的方式在过去几年里发生了怎样的变化。他尤其不能在他的教子面前承认这一切，他本来就应该把他看作是他从未有过的父母形象，他需要他在生活中成为一个安全、稳定的存在，而不是一个只会进一步搅乱它的人。
“You’re not a bad kid yourself, Harry,” he said, after the silence had stretched long enough to be awkward.
“你自己也不是个坏孩子，哈利，”他说，沉默已经持续了足够长的时间，以至于很尴尬。
“No,” Harry said, “I mean, I like you.”
“不，”哈利说，“我的意思是， 我喜欢你。
Sirius drew in a shuddering breath. The way Harry said it, it almost sounded like he meant it in a very specific way. A way in which you weren’t supposed to like your godfather, who was twenty years your senior.
小天狼星颤抖着吸了一口气。哈利说这话的方式，听起来几乎像是他用一种非常具体的方式。你不应该喜欢你的教父，他比你大二十岁。
“Very funny joke, Harry, but I think the spell might have done a bit more damage than you—“ Sirius started to say, and was cut off by Harry swooping down and pressing a kiss to his lips.
“开个玩笑，哈利，但我觉得这个咒语造成的伤害可能比你大一点——”小天狼星开始说，但被哈利俯冲下来，在他的嘴唇上亲了一下打断了他。
Sirius opened his mouth in pure shock. Harry, now an unapologetic opportunist, took the opening to slip his tongue in, sliding it slickly against Sirius’, before retreating.
小天狼星震惊地张开了嘴。哈利现在是一个毫无歉意的机会主义者，他抓住了开口，把舌头滑进去，顺着小天狼星的舌头滑了进去，然后退了出去。
“Sorry,” Harry said, sounding less sorry and more smug. “But I’m not a kid, Sirius, and I’ve wanted to do that since sixth year.”
“对不起，”哈利说，听起来不那么抱歉，而是更自鸣得意。“但我不是个孩子，小天狼星，我从六年级开始就想这样做。”
Sirius brought a hand up to touch his lips. Harry lingered there, tasting of coffee with creamer, and something with a faint medicinal aftertaste, probably one of the general antidotes they’d given him after the potion exposure. His lips had been warm and soft against Sirius’, a warmth that lingered now.
小天狼星伸出一只手碰了碰他的嘴唇。哈利在那里徘徊，品尝着咖啡和奶精的味道，还有一种带有淡淡药味的东西，这可能是他们在接触魔药后给他的一般解毒剂之一。他的嘴唇在小天狼星的嘴唇上温暖而柔软，这种温暖现在挥之不去。
“I—you—what?” Sirius sputtered, finally recovering his voice. “Sixth year?”
“我——你——什么？”小天狼星结结巴巴地说，终于恢复了声音。“六年级？”
Harry rolled his eyes. “Don’t tell me you didn’t crush on a hot authority figure when you were sixteen.”
哈利翻了个白眼。“别告诉我，你十六岁的时候没有迷恋过一个炙手可热的权威人物。”
Sirius had, in fact, had a huge crush on Fleamont Potter—a verifiable silver fox—the summer he was sixteen. Not that he would ever admit to it even on pain of death. Thankfully, Mr. Potter had been either kind or oblivious enough to never mention it in front of him. Eventually, the infatuation had faded after Sirius had gone back to Hogwarts, and found a few more age appropriate targets for his affection.
事实上，小天狼星在十六岁的那个夏天就非常喜欢弗莱蒙·波特——一只名副其实的银狐。并不是说他即使面临死亡的痛苦也会承认这一点。值得庆幸的是，波特先生要么是善良的，要么是健忘的，从来没有在他面前提起过这件事。最终，在小天狼星回到霍格沃茨后，这种迷恋消退了，他又找到了几个适合他年龄的目标。
“I’m not your teacher, or your friend’s dad,” Sirius said, “I’m your—“ the word caught in his throat. He really had been a terrible godfather, all things considered. He’d missed twelve years of Harry’s life where he should’ve been protecting the kid, and then he’d spent years on the run, or in hiding, or waiting out the war Harry had to live.
“我不是你的老师，也不是你朋友的爸爸，”小天狼星说，“我是你的——”这个词卡在了他的喉咙里。他真的是一个糟糕的教父，考虑到所有因素。他错过了哈利生命中的十二年，他本应该保护这个孩子，然后他花了几年时间逃亡，或者躲藏起来，或者等待哈利必须经历的战争。
He’d sent letter after letter in the hopes that it would be enough, knowing it would not. He hadn’t even know that Harry had been prepared to walk to his death in that last battle until it was all over. What kind of guardian couldn’t be there to shield their charge from the worst parts of the world? What kind of godfather couldn’t think of his godson as a child at all, because of the way he felt when he looked at Harry?
他一封又一封地写信，希望这已经足够了，他知道这不会。他甚至不知道哈利已经准备好在那场最后的战斗中走向死亡，直到一切结束。什么样的守护者不能在那里保护他们免受世界上最糟糕的地方的冲锋？什么样的教父会因为他看着哈利时的感受，根本不把他的教子当成一个孩子？
Harry seemed to catch the thoughts running through his mind because he frowned, and brought his hand up to cup Sirius’ cheek. His hand was dry and warm, full of promised comfort. It took almost everything for Sirius not to lean into that light touch.
哈利似乎捕捉到了他脑海中闪过的想法，因为他皱起眉头，把手伸到小天狼星的脸颊上。他的手干燥而温暖，充满了承诺的安慰。小天狼星几乎花了一切时间才不靠在那轻柔的触碰中。
“You were everything I needed back then, Sirius,” Harry said, “Your letters kept me sane through half of Hogwarts, even if you also nearly gave me a heart attack every time you mentioned coming to visit in person. I pushed you away because I didn’t want to lose you, and when it turned out that I almost did anyways…”
“你就是我当时需要的一切，小天狼星，”哈利说，“你的信让我在霍格沃茨的半个时间里都保持理智，即使你每次提到亲自来看望你时，你也差点让我心脏病发作。我把你推开是因为我不想失去你，而当事实证明我差点就失去了你时......”
Sirius’ stomach still squeezed at the memory of that night in the Department of Mysteries. Bellatrix’ spell had caught him in the shoulder, slamming him back and knocking his head against the stone dais. He’d been out for the rest of the battle and missed Voldemort’s very public reemergence, a possession attempt on Harry, and Cornelius Fudge showing up in time to see the Death Eaters running with their tails between their legs. When Sirius had woken up, it had been to a distraught Harry who’d thought he’d died, and a new phase of open warfare. At least his name had been cleared.
小天狼星的胃仍然在挤压着在神秘司的那个夜晚的记忆。贝拉特里克斯的咒语击中了他的肩膀，把他往后撞了回去，把他的头撞在了石台上。他已经缺席了剩下的战斗，错过了伏地魔非常公开的再次出现，错过了对哈利的附身企图，错过了康尼利厄斯·福吉及时出现，看到食死徒夹着尾巴奔跑。当小天狼星醒来时，哈利心烦意乱，他以为自己已经死了，公开战争进入了新阶段。至少他的名字已经被洗清了。
Harry’s expression shuttered briefly as he relived the same moment, before he was smiling again, soft and beautiful. “That was when I realized just how much you meant to me. Not as godfather or a mentor, but as a good man, who has my respect and admiration for your loyalty and courage.”
哈利的表情在他回想起同一刻时短暂地停了下来，然后他又露出了微笑，温柔而美丽。“就在那时，我意识到你对我有多重要。不是作为教父或导师，而是作为一个好人，我对你的忠诚和勇气表示尊重和钦佩。
Sirius closed his eyes. “I’m not a good man, Harry.”
小天狼星闭上了眼睛。“我不是一个好人，哈利。”
“You’re the best man I know,” Harry said, with an earnestness that made Sirius’ chest ache.
“你是我认识的最好的人，”哈利说，语气真诚，让小天狼星的胸口感到疼痛。
He opened his eyes again when Harry’s thumb began to stroke rhythmically along his cheekbone. His gazed lingered on the curve of Harry’s lips, which were thin like James’, and chapped from chewing on them nervously, which was an entirely Harry habit. “If I were, I wouldn’t even be entertaining this,” he said softly.
当哈利的拇指开始有节奏地抚摸他的颧骨时，他再次睁开了眼睛。他的目光停留在哈利的嘴唇曲线上，那嘴唇和詹姆斯的嘴唇一样薄，因为紧张地咀嚼而皲裂，这完全是哈利的习惯。“如果我是这样，我什至不会娱乐这个，”他轻声说。
He only realized the mistake in his wording when Harry’s eyes lit up with hope.
当哈利的眼睛里闪耀着希望的光芒时，他才意识到自己措辞中的错误。
“So you are entertaining the idea then?”
“那么，你是在考虑这个主意吗？”
“No! I meant—Harry it’s a terrible idea,” Sirius backtracked.
“不！我是说——哈利，这是个糟糕的主意，”小天狼星反驳道。
Harry did not look convinced, but he dropped his arms and took a step back, leveling Sirius with a look that bordered on indulgent.
哈利看起来并不相信，但他放下手臂，向后退了一步，用一种近乎放纵的眼神瞪着小天狼星。
“Alright,” Harry said, “I’ll humor you. I told you I’m attracted to you, and I suspect you feel the same way about me. Why shouldn’t we act on our mutual attraction?”
“好吧，”哈利说，“我来逗你开心。我跟你说过我被你吸引，我怀疑你对我也有同样的感觉。我们为什么不按照我们的相互吸引采取行动呢？
Sirius took a deep breath. There were a multitude of reasons. A very long list that he could recite from memory because they were all the reasons he’d been telling himself every time Harry stopped by for a nightcap, or to check in on him after a long shift, or just to spend the night because he was dead on his feet and had spoken the wrong Floo address and couldn’t be bothered to go back to his empty flat in London.
小天狼星深吸了一口气。有很多原因。他可以从记忆中背诵出一个很长的清单，因为这些都是他每次哈利停下来喝一杯睡前酒，或者长时间轮班后检查他，或者只是为了过夜的原因，因为他已经站不稳了，说错了飞路地址，懒得回到他在伦敦的空公寓。
“First of all, I’m your godfather.”
“首先，我是你的教父。”
“Only technically. You didn’t exactly raise me—and before you start, that is not your fault and you shouldn’t beat yourself up over it. It means I don’t see you as a father figure…just someone very important to me.” Harry said, without hesitation.
“只是技术上。你并没有真正抚养我——在你开始之前，那不是你的错，你不应该为此自责。这意味着我不把你看作一个父亲的形象......只是一个对我来说非常重要的人。”哈利毫不犹豫地说。
“Even so, it does mean I’m twenty years older than you,” Sirius said, “you have so many prospects so much closer to you in age, why would you choose an old man like me?”
“即便如此，这确实意味着我比你大二十岁，”小天狼星说，“你有这么多的前景，而且年龄比你差不多，你为什么要选择像我这样的老人呢？
“I have prospects who like the novelty of being the one to bag the Boy-Who-Lived-Twice, you mean,” Harry scoffed. “And don’t talk as if you aren’t still in your prime. Everyone loves a storied silver fox. If anything you’d be the one deigning to entertain a callow youth like myself.”
“我是说，我有潜在客户喜欢成为那个把大难不死的男孩收入囊中的人的新奇感，”哈利嘲笑道。“别说话，好像你还没处于巅峰时期一样。每个人都喜欢一只传说中的银狐。如果有的话，你会是那个屈尊取悦像我这样愚蠢的年轻人的人。
Sirius scoffed at that. Sure he had a few grey hairs, but he’d hardly call it silver. And young though Harry might be, he had maturity beyond his years.
小天狼星对此嗤之以鼻。当然，他有几头白发，但他几乎不会称之为银色。尽管哈利可能很年轻，但他的成熟程度超出了他的年龄。
Harry sobered, however, stepping forward into Sirius’ space. “And anyways, twenty years or not, we’re both adults, and I’ve certainly had enough life experience for someone twice my age. So as two consenting adults of legal age, I don’t see why we can’t do whatever we want. I’ve already spent too long holding myself back.”
然而，哈利清醒了过来，走上前走进了小天狼星的空间。“不管怎么说，不管是不是二十年，我们都是成年人了，我肯定已经有足够的生活经验来对待一个比我大两倍的人。所以，作为两个自愿达到法定年龄的成年人，我不明白为什么我们不能为所欲为。我已经花了太长时间来抑制自己了。
He looked at Sirius intently, and the breath caught in Sirius’ throat again, pinned underneath those piercing green eyes. “So, what’s the next excuse?”
他专注地看着小天狼星，小天狼星的喉咙里又一次喘息，被那双锐利的绿色眼睛压住了。“那么，下一个借口是什么？”
“The potion,” Sirius said weakly, taking a step away from both Harry and the doorway, “you’re not in your right mind.”
“魔药，”小天狼星虚弱地说，从哈利和门口走开了一步，“你心智不对。
A wry smile curled at the corner of Harry’s mouth. “I’ve already told you, it doesn’t make me do anything I didn’t already want. You’re starting to sound like you’re scrambling for reasons.”
哈利的嘴角弯起一抹苦笑。“我已经跟你说过了，这不会让我做任何我不想做的事。你听起来像是在找理由。
“You’ll regret it in the morning,” Sirius insisted stubbornly, “and there’ll be no taking it back then.”
“你早上会后悔的，”小天狼星固执地坚持道，“到那时就没什么好了。
“I won’t,” Harry said, stepping forward, in a stride that put him right up against Sirius again. “I’d never regret anything with you.”
“我不会的，”哈利说，向前迈了一步，大步向前，再次挡住了小天狼星。“我永远不会后悔你做的任何事情。”
“I just don’t want to lose you,” Sirius whispered. He tried to retreat again, but he had backed himself up against the bed, the wood of the bed frame digging into the backs of his knees.
“我就是不想失去你，”小天狼星低声说。他试图再次后退，但他已经靠在床上，床架的木头深深地钻进了他的膝盖后部。
“Nothing you do could ever drive me away,” Harry said gently. So gently, like the wrong inflection might shatter him. Sirius’ breath hitched. He stared at Harry, words lost in the soft green of his gaze.
“你做的任何事情都不能把我赶走，”哈利温柔地说。如此温柔，就像错误的语调可能会把他打碎一样。小天狼星的呼吸急促。他盯着哈利，在他柔和的绿色目光中失去了话语。
“Got all of that out of your system yet?” Harry asked, as the silence stretched between them.
“把这些都从你的系统里弄出来了吗？”哈利问道，他们之间陷入了沉默。
Sirius squared his shoulders. “Of course not,” he said, rallying, “I could keep going all night.”
小天狼星挺直了肩膀。“当然不行，”他说，振作起来，“我可以坚持一整晚。
Harry broke out into a lascivious grin. “Really?”
哈利露出的笑容。“真的吗？”
Sirius ran the words through his head again, and flushed. “Not like that—What would your friends think?” He said, deflecting with another reason why this was a bad idea. “And once the wider world learns about any hint of a relationship they’ll be on us like vultures. We wouldn’t be able to set foot in public without them all descending on us asking for comment!”
小天狼星又把这些话划过脑子，脸红了。“不是那样的——你的朋友会怎么想？”他说，用另一个理由来转移话题，说明这是个坏主意。“一旦更广泛的世界知道了任何关系的迹象，他们就会像秃鹰一样攻击我们。如果没有他们全都来找我们征求意见，我们就无法踏上公共场合！
“All things we can deal with in time,” Harry said, bringing his hands up to press against Sirius’ chest. “But do you know what I didn’t hear in your list of objections?”
“所有的事情我们都能及时处理，”哈利说，抬起双手按在小天狼星的胸口。“但你知道我在你的反对清单上没有听到什么吗？”
Sirius sucked in a breath. Words deserted him. Harry’s hands were solid and warm through the thin fabric of his pyjamas. He wondered if Harry could feel the rapid beat of his pulse underneath his palms, if he could hear the way the blood roared in Sirius’ ears.
小天狼星吸了一口气。言语抛弃了他。哈利的手隔着薄薄的睡衣布料，结实而温暖。他想知道哈利是否能感觉到他手掌下脉搏的快速跳动，他是否能听到血液在小天狼星耳边咆哮的方式。
“What?” He croaked eventually.
“什么？”他终于嘶哑了起来。
“I haven’t heard you say you didn’t want this,” Harry murmured, right up against his ear. He was so close Sirius could smell dragonhide leather and broom polish on him, and the faint hint of his cologne, the same one that Sirius had gifted him for his sixteenth birthday, and he’d never thought to change since then.
“我还没听你说过你不想要这个，”哈利喃喃自语，贴在他的耳边。他离得太近了，小天狼星能闻到他身上的龙皮和扫帚油的味道，还有他那淡淡的古龙水的味道，就是小天狼星送给他的十六岁生日礼物，从那以后他就再也没有想过要改变。
Sirius closed his eyes. 小天狼星闭上了眼睛。
Of course he should’ve said that. He shouldn’t want this. He couldn’t want Harry in that way, the way no godfather should ever want his godson.
他当然应该这么说。他不应该想要这个。他不能那样想要哈利，就像任何教父都不应该想要他的教子一样。
To his utmost shame, however, he did.
然而，令他感到非常羞愧的是，他做到了。
He didn’t know when it started, just that, sometime between horcrux hunting and now—the two of them standing in Sirius’ bedroom barely inches apart—Harry had stopped being the child he had failed and had instead become a capable young man, kind and brave and wise beyond his years. The love he felt, never quite as paternal as a godfather should be, had changed too, from love of James’ legacy to a deep affection for the man that Harry had become in his own right.
他不知道这是什么时候开始的，只知道，在寻找魂器之间的某个时候——他们两个站在小天狼星的卧室里，相距仅几英寸——哈利已经不再是那个被他辜负的孩子，而是变成了一个能干的年轻人，善良、勇敢、睿智，超越了他的年龄。他感受到的爱，从来就不像教父那样像父爱一样，也发生了变化，从对詹姆斯遗产的爱变成了对哈利凭借自己的能力成为的男人的深情。
And then, a year after the war had ended and the dust begun to settle at last, Sirius had been struck by the realization that he wanted Harry—madly, desperately, in any way he could have him, and in ways he knew he couldn’t. He had hid it, of course. Buried it deep enough that maybe one day the guilt would finally stop bothering him at inopportune moments, rising up in his throat like seawater.
然后，在战争结束一年后，终于开始尘埃落定，小天狼星意识到他想要哈利——疯狂地、绝望地，以任何他能拥有的方式，以他知道自己无法拥有的方式。当然，他把它藏了起来。把它埋得足够深，也许有一天，罪恶感终于会在不合时宜的时刻停止困扰他，像海水一样在他的喉咙里上升。
Except now here was Harry, telling him that he wanted Sirius too, in those exact ways, as if he had held up a mirror to Sirius’ desires and saw himself reflected in it.
除了现在哈利在这里，告诉他他也想要小天狼星，以那些确切的方式，就好像他举起了一面镜子，看到了小天狼星的欲望，看到了自己的倒影。
Here was Harry, offering him everything he wanted with that guileless, open smile. Offering himself freely, promising that Sirius’ secrets weren’t going to drive them apart. And here was Sirius, too petrified to take it.
哈利在这里，用那种无耻、开放的微笑提供他想要的一切。他自由地献出自己，承诺小天狼星的秘密不会让他们分开。而小天狼星在这里，他被吓得无法接受。
The silence stretched between them, and Sirius didn’t so much as breathe. Harry didn’t move either from where he stood so close that Sirius could feel the heat radiating off him. Harry’s breath fanned softly against his ear, warm and damp and waiting. Sirius’ heart beat against his ribs.
他们之间一片寂静，小天狼星连呼吸都没用。哈利也没有从他站的地方挪开，离得太近了，以至于小天狼星能感觉到他身上散发的热量。哈利的呼吸轻轻地扇动着他的耳朵，温暖而潮湿，等待着。小天狼星的心脏在他的肋骨上跳动。
There were two ways this could go, and either way things would change inevitably. The past few years had been a kind of limbo, a tightrope walk between keeping to the clearly demarcated territory of godfather, and straying where his heart would lead him. As the years went on—and as Harry grew into himself, gaining confidence and muscle mass and ever increasing heights of fame—that tightrope grew thinner, and Sirius found his middle ground increasingly untenable.
这有两种可能，无论哪种方式，事情都不可避免地会发生变化。过去的几年一直是一种困境，在坚持教父明确划定的领土和误入他的心路之间走钢丝。随着岁月的流逝——随着哈利逐渐成长为自己，获得自信和肌肉，名气越来越高——那条钢丝越来越薄，小天狼星发现他的中间地带越来越站不住脚。
This was the moment before the fall, he realized, when he would have to land on one side or the other.
这是坠落前的那一刻，他意识到，那时他必须从一侧或另一侧着陆。
Now, all Sirius had to do was choose.
现在，小天狼星所要做的就是选择。
As James would say: Are you a Gryffindor or are you not?
正如詹姆斯所说： 你是格兰芬多还是不是？
“Fuck it,” Sirius said, grabbed Harry by the collar of his robes and pulled him close.
“它，”小天狼星说，抓住哈利的袍子领子，把他拉近。
Their teeth clacked together, both of them unprepared for the kiss, which was more painful than anything else. But then Harry threaded his fingers through Sirius’ hair, and Sirius tilted his chin, and it all clicked. Suddenly they fit perfectly against each other, as if they’d finally found their other halves. Sirius gasped, and Harry took the chance to slide his tongue in again, taking his time to explore, push deeper.
他们的牙齿咔哒咔哒地咬在一起，他们都对这个吻毫无准备，这比什么都痛苦。但随后哈利用手指穿过小天狼星的头发，小天狼星歪了歪下巴，一切都咔嚓一声。突然间，他们完美地贴在一起，仿佛他们终于找到了自己的另一半。小天狼星喘着粗气，哈利趁机再次将舌头滑进去，花时间探索，更深入地推。
The ,iss seemed to set loose a tension that had been slowly winding tighter for years. Every brief touch and lingering glance, every wet dream and impossible fantasy, every night with one hand shoved down his pants, the other wrist caught between clenched teeth because he knew that every moan or gasp would give evidence to his shameful thoughts.
这似乎释放了一种多年来一直慢慢缠绕的紧张感。每一次短暂的触摸和挥之不去的眼神，每一次湿漉漉的梦和不可能的幻想，每天晚上，一只手裤子，另一只手腕夹在紧咬的牙齿之间，因为他知道每一次呻吟或喘息都会证明他可耻的想法。
He groaned into Harry’s mouth, trying to shove his tongue further. Harry wriggled his fingers underneath the thin material of Sirius’ pyjama shirt, and stroked every patch of skin he could find with a touch so warm it felt like burning. He could stay like this forever, even if all they ever did was touch.
他在哈利的嘴里呻吟着，试图把他的舌头推得更远。哈利在小天狼星睡衣的薄薄面料下扭动着手指，抚摸着他能找到的每一块皮肤，触感如此温暖，感觉像是灼热。他可以永远这样，即使他们所做的只是触摸。
Harry pulled back first, grinning wide, his grip in Sirius’ hair loosening and hands falling down to his shoulders. Sirius swallowed air in huge gulps, like he’d just come up from deep water.
哈利先往后退，咧嘴一笑，他抓着小天狼星头发的手松开了，双手垂到了他的肩膀上。小天狼星大口大口地吞下了空气，就像他刚从深水中上来一样。
A glint of mischief flashed in Harry’s eyes, and Sirius only had a second to realize that he was pressing very close before Harry planted his hands firmly on Sirius’ chest and pushed. Sirius fell back with a yelp and landed on his bed, bouncing against the pillows. Then Harry was clambering on as well, settling his body over Sirius, straddling his thighs, hands pressing Sirius wrists into the mattress by his side.
哈利的眼中闪过一丝恶作剧，小天狼星只来得及一秒钟就意识到自己压得非常近了，然后哈利就把手牢牢地放在小天狼星的胸前，推了推。小天狼星大叫一声向后倒去，落在床上，在枕头上弹跳。然后哈利也爬了上去，把身体靠在小天狼星身上，跨在他的大腿上，双手把小天狼星的手腕压在他身边的床垫上。
“I’ve wanted to do that for years,” Harry said, face flushed and eyes bright, “ever since you dragged me out mattress shopping. God, you were throwing yourself down on every single bed and all I wanted to do was climb in too. Every time you lay there, I thought about you under me, like this. I had to excuse myself halfway through to take care of things.”
“多年来，我一直想这样做，”哈利说，脸上泛着红晕，眼睛明亮，“自从你拖着我出去买床垫以来。上帝啊，你把自己扔在每张床上，我只想也爬进去。每次你躺在那里，我都会想着你，就像这样。我不得不半途而废地借口来处理事情。
“I knew you hadn’t grown a sudden interest in kitchen appliances!” Sirius exclaimed, remembering that exact trip. “So all those times you got distracted looking at the bookshelves, you were trying to hide a stiffy?”
“我知道你不是突然对厨房用具产生了兴趣！”小天狼星惊呼道，想起了那次确切的旅行。“所以，你一直分心地看着书架，你都是想隐藏一个僵硬的吗？”
“Mmhm.” Harry had busied himself with sucking a line of bruises down Sirius’ neck while he reminisced, “all I can say is thank Merlin for loose robes, soundproofing spells, and single occupant bathrooms.”
“嗯。”哈利忙着从小天狼星的脖子上吸出一排瘀伤，同时他回忆道，“我只能感谢梅林宽松的长袍、隔音咒语和单人浴室。
And now Sirius would think of that every time he entered a furniture shop from now until eternity. He grinned wider and tugged his hands out from under Harry’s grip so he could put them to better use mapping out the planes of Harry’s back. There was plenty of muscle under his wandering palms, firm and delicious, courtesy of the Aurors’ strict training regime. There was no point in being good at dueling if you couldn’t dodge the enemy’s curses before they hit you, Harry liked to say.
而现在，小天狼星每次走进家具店都会想到这一点，从现在到永恒。他咧嘴笑得更灿烂了，把手从哈利的手下抽出来，这样他就可以更好地利用它们来绘制哈利的背部平面图。他游荡的手掌下有很多肌肉，结实而美味，这要归功于傲罗严格的训练制度。如果你不能在敌人打你之前躲开敌人的诅咒，那么擅长决斗就没有意义了，哈利喜欢这样说。
He felt drunk with the feeling of Harry, even through the layers of his robes. Or maybe it was just the freedom to actually touch instead of look, taste instead of imagining what his lips would taste like. He moved his hands lower, searching for a hem, or patch of bare skin, and found himself thwarted by the long Auror’s robe that Harry was, for some Merlin-cursed reason, still wearing.
他觉得自己陶醉在哈利的感觉中，即使隔着他的长袍层层叠叠。又或许，这只是一种自由，可以触摸而不是看，尝一尝，而不是想象他的嘴唇会是什么味道。他把手往下移，寻找一个下摆，或者一块裸露的皮肤，却发现自己被哈利的那件傲罗长袍挫败了，因为某种被梅林诅咒的原因，他仍然穿着那件长袍。
Harry seemed to have the same idea, because he detached his mouth from Sirius’ collarbone and tugged at the hem of Sirius’ shirt impatiently.
哈利似乎也有同样的想法，因为他把嘴从小天狼星的锁骨上移开，不耐烦地扯着小天狼星的衬衫下摆。
“Off,” he demanded. Sirius nodded vehemently, scooting back until he could sit up. He grasped the collar of his shirt from behind and pulled it over his head in one smooth movement, watching with some smugness as Harry’s mouth fell open.
“走，”他要求道。小天狼星用力地点点头，快步向后退，直到他能坐起来。他从后面抓住衬衫的领子，平稳地把它拉过头顶，带着些许得意地看着哈利张开了嘴。
Harry swallowed visibly, and his eyes raked down the dark lines of tattoos across Sirius’ sternum. He’d carved those runes into his skin a lifetime ago, sick with the fear that the next skirmish or Death Eater ambush might be his last, clinging on to every hint of protection he could think of. They hadn’t helped save almost everything Sirius cared about in the first war, and now they remained while almost everything else had been lost. Sirius had difficulty looking at them in the mirror sometimes, nor was the thought of removing them was any less difficult.
哈利明显地咽了口口水，他的眼睛顺着小天狼星胸骨上黑线的纹身耙下去。他一辈子以前就把那些符文刻在了自己的皮肤上，他害怕下一次遭遇战或食死徒的伏击可能是他的最后一次，紧紧抓住他能想到的每一丝保护。在第一次战争中，他们没能帮忙挽救小天狼星关心的几乎所有东西，现在他们留下来，而其他几乎所有东西都已经失去了。小天狼星有时很难看着镜子里的他们，移除他们的想法也丝毫没有减少。
But Harry didn’t looked at the symbols as if they were some mark of failure. He traced them with both hands, an impossibly tender look on his face, so tender Sirius felt as if the gentle touch might break him. He shivered and grabbed Harry’s hand before it could dip lower.
但哈利并没有把这些符号看作是失败的标志。他用双手描摹着它们，脸上露出难以置信的温柔表情，温柔的小天狼星觉得这温柔的触碰仿佛要把他弄垮。他颤抖着，在哈利的手下沉之前抓住了它。
“If we’re both doing this, it’s only fair if we’re both naked” Sirius said, eyeing Harry’s still fully clothed form, “and right now you are wearing entirely too much.”
“如果我们俩都这样做，那我们俩都赤身裸体才公平，”小天狼星说，盯着哈利仍然穿着整齐的身材，“现在你穿得太多了。
Harry was wearing the standard Auror uniform, a double-breasted robe over a starched shirt buttoned much too high. Who buttoned their shirts all the way up to the collar? And there was a waistcoat. What did Aurors even need waistcoats for? Although, Sirius mused appreciatively, it really did do wonders for Harry’s waist.
哈利穿着标准的傲罗制服，一件双排扣长袍，外面套着一件扣子太高的上浆衬衫。谁把衬衫的扣子一直扣到领子？还有一件背心。傲罗们到底需要背心做什么？虽然，小天狼星感激地沉思着，但这确实为哈利的腰部创造了奇迹。
He reached out to unbutton the waistcoat now, letting his fingers trail down Harry’s stomach, wrinkling the buttoned shirt as he went.
他伸手解开了背心的扣子，让手指顺着哈利的肚子滑下，一边走一边把扣着扣子的衬衫弄皱起来。
Harry made a desperate sound low in his throat and scrambled up onto his knees, tearing off his robe and fumbling for the buttons of his shirt. If he popped one or two of them off in his rush, neither of them noticed in their eagerness. Harry finally shuffled off the damned thing, revealing the smooth brown skin of his shoulders and the wiry hair on his chest, and Sirius slid his belt out through the loops, and then finally, finally, Sirius’ hands met the naked skin of Harry’s waist, where he traced circles with all his fingers, reveling in the feeling of warm, soft skin beneath his fingertips.
哈利在喉咙里发出绝望的声音，爬到膝盖上，撕下他的长袍，摸索着衬衫的纽扣。如果他在匆忙中弹出一两个，他们都不会注意到他们的急切。哈利终于拖着脚走了这个该死的东西，露出了他肩膀上光滑的棕色皮肤和胸前的纤细头发，小天狼星把他的腰带从环里滑了出来，然后最后， 终于 ，小天狼星的手碰到了哈利腰部裸露的皮肤，他用所有的手指画着圆圈，陶醉在指尖下温暖柔软的皮肤的感觉中。
Harry wasted no time in pressing all that newly bared skin against Sirius, and with it all the firm muscle, and a wet and wanting mouth.
哈利没有浪费时间，把所有新露出的皮肤都压在小天狼星身上，还有所有结实的肌肉，还有一张湿漉漉的、渴望的嘴巴。
Sirius laid back, catching his breath as he let Harry resume the trail of open-mouthed kisses down from his clavicle to his chest. He laid a hand on Harry’s head of dark hair, not pulling or directing, just savoring the feeling of messy strands running through his fingers. He tightened his grip as Harry bit down, not hard, just enough to really feel it.
小天狼星躺了下来，喘着气，让哈利继续张开嘴的吻，从他的锁骨一直到他的胸口。他把手放在哈利的黑发上，没有拉扯或指导，只是享受着凌乱的发丝从他的手指中流过的感觉。哈利咬下去时，他紧紧地握住了自己，不是用力，只是足以真正感觉到它。
Harry’s hands were less pointed than his mouth. They roamed, fumbling first at his waist, then sliding down grasp at his the meat arse, then back up again to his shoulders, where they slid back down to the waistband of his pyjamas, fumbling with the elastic. Harry huffed, and then Sirius’ pyjama bottoms, not quite as spell-proof as the Auror robes, vanished with a rush of magic.
哈利的手没有他的嘴那么尖。他们四处游荡，先是在他的腰部摸索，然后滑下来抓住他的肉屁股，然后又滑到他的肩膀上，在那里他们滑回了他的睡衣腰带，摸索着松紧带。哈利气喘吁吁，然后小天狼星的睡裤，不像傲罗长袍那样防咒，在一阵魔法中消失了。
Harry paused in his task of tasting every single tattoo he could get his mouth on and sent Sirius an apologetic look.
哈利停下了品尝他能接触到的每一个纹身的任务，然后向小天狼星歉意地看了一眼。
“Sorry,” he said, sounding only mildly sorry, “I’ll find them later, I promise, just let me—“ he dove back down. Sirius held back a groan at the feeling of teeth scraping his sternum.
“对不起，”他说，听起来只是略带抱歉，“我以后会找到他们，我保证，就让我——”他缩回去。小天狼星忍住了牙齿刮擦胸骨的感觉。
“Have you done this before?” Sirius asked, suddenly apprehensive. The thought of—of deflowering his godson inspired a bit of panic, no matter how much he wanted to keep going.
“你以前做过吗？”小天狼星问道，突然变得不安起来。一想到——让他的教子失望 ，就激起了一点恐慌，无论他多么想继续下去。
“Once or twice,” Harry lifted his head and answered easily, “but I’ve practiced lots, by myself. Although, if you wanted to pretend—“
“一两次，”哈利抬起头，轻松地回答，“但我一个人已经练习了很多。不过，如果你想假装——”
“No, no, this is fine,” Sirius said hurriedly, but the assurance settled him again and he reached for Harry’s shoulders, “more than fine. Let’s keep going.”
“不，不，这很好，”小天狼星急忙说，但这种保证又让他平静下来，他伸手摸了摸哈利的肩膀，“很好。我们继续前进吧。
Harry laughed and leaned down to press another kiss against Sirius’ chest, sucking at the skin until the blood rose to the surface at that spot. It was sure to bruise come morning, leaving a reminder of the night. Finally, Harry pulled back and looked down with a smile that was shy at the edges. “I do know how this works, so you don’t have to worry about teaching me the ropes, or stealing my innocence, or whatever it was you’re so worried about.”
哈利笑了起来，俯下身子，在小天狼星的胸口上又亲了一下，吮吸着皮肤，直到血液在那个地方浮出水面。早上肯定会有瘀伤，留下夜晚的回忆。最后，哈利缩回去，低头看去，露出一个害羞的笑容。“我确实知道这是怎么回事，所以你不用担心教我诀窍，或者偷走我的清白，或者你这么担心的任何事情。”
Sirius nodded. Now he was thinking about Harry tangled up with a faceless man or woman, limbs tangled together in the sheets of an unspecified room in the dark. That was what Harry should be doing, whispered the part of him that reeked of guilt and vague parental concern. Harry should be out there sowing wild oats—without the sowing, as Sirius had made sure he knew the contraceptive charm as soon as he’d shown any interest in a girl—having fun with his peers, making up for all the opportunities he’d never had time for in school. Not here with someone almost twice his age, who had demons that weren’t all exorcised yet.
小天狼星点点头。现在他想的是哈利和一个不露面的男人或女人纠缠在一起，四肢在黑暗中一个不知名的房间的床单上纠缠在一起。那才是哈利应该做的，他那散发着内疚和模糊父母关心的气味的那一部分低声说。哈利应该在外面播种野燕麦——不要播种，因为小天狼星一旦对一个女孩表现出任何兴趣，他就确保他知道避孕的魅力——和他的同龄人一起玩，弥补他在学校里从来没有时间的所有机会。不是在这里和一个几乎是他两倍大的人在一起，他的恶魔还没有全部被驱除。
A sharp bite to his chest jolted him back to the present.
他的胸口被猛烈地咬了一口，使他回到了现在。
“None of that,” Harry said, a tad petulantly, “pay attention, Sirius. I’m trying to show you something here.”
“这些都不是，”哈利说，有点任性，“注意，小天狼星。我在这里想给你看点东西。
Sirius smiled despite himself. “Are you? And what might that be?”
小天狼星不由自主地笑了笑。“你是吗？那会是什么？
“That you’re beautiful,” Harry said earnestly, “and good. And the only person I’ve wanted to touch like this since sixth year.”
“你很漂亮，”哈利认真地说，“而且很好。而且是我从六年级开始就唯一想这样摸的人。
Sirius swallowed past the sudden lump in his throat. A lifetime ago, Harry’s sixth year. He hadn’t been thinking of anything other than survival—Harry’ first, then his own. The war had seemed endless then, as his recovery from the battle of the Department of Mysteries dragged on, and Harry grew ever more distant and guilty, and he’d wondered if he was about to lose his godson despite it all.
小天狼星咽下了喉咙里突如其来的肿块。一辈子以前，哈利的第六个年头。除了生存，他什么都没想过——先是哈利的生存，然后是他自己的。那时战争似乎已经无休止了，因为他从神秘事务司的战斗中恢复过来了，哈利变得越来越疏远和内疚，他想知道他是否会失去他的教子。
But time had brought them back together again, though they didn’t quite fit together in the same way as godfather and godson. Fighting together blurred the line between father-figure and brothers-in-arms even further, until Sirius wasn’t sure just how Harry saw him. At the time, it had been enough to know that, whatever kind of relationship they had between them, it was important, unbreakable, and enough to fill his whole heart. Love and loyalty were things he felt for more than one type of relationship in his life. Hadn’t he loved James as a brother? Hadn’t he been loyal to his friends and the Order?
但时间让他们重新走到了一起，尽管他们并不像教父和教子那样完全融合在一起。一起战斗进一步模糊了父亲和战友之间的界限，直到小天狼星不确定哈利是怎么看他的。在那个时候，知道他们之间有什么样的关系就足够了，无论他们之间有什么样的关系，都是重要的、牢不可破的，足以填满他的整个心。爱和忠诚是他一生中不止一种关系所感受到的东西。他不是像爱兄弟一样爱詹姆斯吗？他不是对他的朋友和组织忠诚吗？
Now, though, he wondered if that ambiguity was instead a kind of armor against knowledge, blinders keeping him from confronting the truth beneath the layer of plausible deniability. It wouldn’t have held forever. Eventually, the balance would have collapsed, and Sirius would have been left to rebuild in the rubble.
不过现在，他想知道这种模棱两可是否反而是一种对抗知识的盔甲，使他无法面对看似合理的否认之下的真相。它不会永远保持下去。最终，平衡会崩溃，小天狼星将不得不在废墟中重建。
Except, except—except Harry had once again defied all expectation and broken down all the walls he’d so carefully built, and instead of ruin, he’d shown Sirius the possibility of something else, something better. It knocked the breath out of him.
除了，除了——除了哈利再次违背了所有人的期望，打破了他精心建造的所有墙壁，他没有毁坏，而是向小天狼星展示了其他东西的可能性，更好的东西。这让他喘不过气来。
“We would be amazing together,” Harry murmured into the side of his neck.
“我们在一起会很棒，”哈利对着他的脖子一侧喃喃自语。
And suddenly all Sirius wanted was Harry’s solid weight, his burning touch to drive out all the thoughts crowding his head.
突然间，小天狼星想要的只是哈利坚实的体重，他炽热的触感驱散了他脑海中所有的想法。
“Okay,” Sirius said, exhaling slowly, “okay. Do you want to fuck me?”
“好吧，”小天狼星说，缓缓地呼出一口气，“好吧。你想吗？
Harry groaned, as if the very thought of doing so was enough to make him come right then and there. “Please,” he said, propping himself up on his arms and looking around frantically. “Do you have any lube? Please tell me you have some lube.”
哈利呻吟着，仿佛光是想到这样做就足以让他立刻过来。“拜托，”他说，用手臂撑起身体，疯狂地环顾四周。“你有润滑油吗？请告诉我你有润滑油。
Sirius laughed. “Let me teach you something better. Here, give me your hand.”
小天狼星笑了起来。“让我教你更好的东西。来，把你的手给我。
He sat up, spread his knees and drew Harry’s hand down between his legs, skipping past his balls and pressing against the dry furl of his hole. Harry gasped and clamped his lip between his teeth. He gave Sirius a wide-eyed look that bordered on amazement, as if he had just learned the secrets of the universe in that simple touch.
他坐起来，张开膝盖，把哈利的手拉到他的两腿之间，跳过他的蛋蛋，压在他洞口干燥的褶皱上。哈利喘着粗气，用牙齿夹住嘴唇。他睁大了眼睛看了小天狼星一眼，近乎惊讶，仿佛他刚刚在那简单的接触中了解了宇宙的秘密。
Sirius felt himself flush with the heady rush of being on the receiving end of such a look. And there was the fact that it was Harry, young, strong, beautiful, who looked at him with that expression on his face.
小天狼星觉得自己被这种眼神所吸引的冲动冲得通红。还有一个事实是，哈利，年轻、强壮、美丽，脸上带着那种表情看着他。
Harry was his anchor, his center of gravity around which every other part of him revolved. He found himself turning towards Harry, helpless to stop himself, the way a migrating bird tracked north, the way rivers ran inexorably to sea, pouring themselves out endlessly into the deep.
哈利是他的锚，他的重心，他的其他部分都围绕着它旋转。他发现自己转向哈利，无助地阻止自己，就像一只迁徙的鸟儿向北移动，就像河流无情地流向大海，无休止地涌入深处。
He would give Harry anything. His life, the rest of his years, anything he wanted. He had never imagined that Harry would be willing to give the same back.
他会给哈利任何东西。他的生命，他剩下的岁月，他想要的任何东西。他从来没有想过哈利会愿意把同样的东西还给他。
Harry bit his lip, a brilliant flush slowly creeping up his cheeks, and Sirius realized that he had been staring as well. Harry’s free hand had shifted to the outside of Sirius’ thigh, and now his fingers dug into the meat there. The hand Sirius held trembled slightly, as if he wanted to push forward but did not know if he was allowed.
哈利咬着嘴唇，一抹灿烂的红晕慢慢爬上他的脸颊，小天狼星意识到他也一直在盯着看。哈利空出来的手已经移到了小天狼星的大腿外侧，现在他的手指挖进了那里的肉。小天狼星握着的手微微颤抖着，似乎想向前推进，但不知道自己是否被允许。
“…now what?” Harry said, wetting his lips.
“… 现在怎么办？“哈利说，弄湿了他的嘴唇。
“How’s your wandless magic?” Sirius answered with a cheeky grin.
“你的无杖魔法怎么样？”小天狼星厚颜无耻地笑着回答。
“Good. Great. I’m pretty good at it, I mean,” Harry stammered. “They teach it in school. And Auror training. Yeah.”
“很好。 伟大。 我是说，我很擅长这个，“哈利结结巴巴地说。”他们在学校教这个。还有傲罗训练。是的。
“Alright, then repeat after me,” Sirius commanded, and murmured the words of the incantation into Harry’s ear.
“好，然后跟我再说一遍，”小天狼星命令道，并在哈利耳边喃喃自语着咒语。
Harry cast immediately, breathless and flushed. It shouldn’t have worked on the first time, wandless and unpracticed, but Magic had always favored Harry. Sirius jolted at the familiar tingle inside of himself, and then groaned at the sudden loosening of his muscles. It had been a while. Long enough that he was almost surprised that he still remembered that spell, but this was one of those things he had learned to cast without thinking in the wild, careless years at the end of Hogwarts and the beginning of the war, when he still thought they’d all make it through.
哈利立即施法，气喘吁吁，脸红了。第一次就不应该奏效，没有魔杖，也没有练习过，但魔法一直都偏爱哈利。小天狼星被自己内心熟悉的刺痛感震撼了一下，然后又因为肌肉的突然松弛而呻吟起来。已经有一段时间了。时间足够长，以至于他几乎惊讶于自己还记得那个咒语，但这是他在霍格沃茨结束和战争开始时的狂野、漫不经心的岁月里学会不假思索地施放的东西之一，当时他仍然认为他们都能度过难关。
Sirius pushed the memories back down. He was through it now, still here and still happy despite all that had happened between.
小天狼星把记忆往下推。他现在已经度过了这一切，仍然在这里，尽管中间发生了这一切，他仍然很快乐。
“Oh,” Harry said, eyes wide with something like wonder. He shifted his fingers, marveling at the new slickness of his movements. “That’s amazing. You’re so wet now, Sirius.”
“哦，”哈利说，睁大了眼睛，带着某种惊奇。他动动了一下手指，惊叹于自己动作的新流畅性。“太神奇了。你现在湿透了，小天狼星。
The words were not anything monumental, but hearing them out of Harry’s mouth, spoken with so much sincere enthusiasm, had Sirius shuddering and biting back a groan. His cock gave a kick, interested.
这些话并不是什么重大的事情，但从哈利的嘴里听到这些话，以如此真诚的热情说出来，让小天狼星浑身颤抖，忍住了呻吟。他的鸡巴饶有兴趣地踢了一脚。
“Can I—“ Harry said, and there was a slight increase in the pressure of his fingers.
“我能不能——”哈利说，他手指的压力略微增加。
“Yeah,” Sirius said, his voice hoarse, “yes, inside. Please.”
“是的，”小天狼星说，他的声音嘶哑，“是的，在里面。拜托了。
Harry nodded and pressed a finger in. He was slow, careful, more careful than Sirius had ever been with himself. It had been a while, but bearing down came as naturally to him now as it had years ago. Harry held himself still, letting Sirius adjust to the sensation.
哈利点点头，把一根手指按了进去。他很慢，很小心，比小天狼星对自己任何时候都小心。已经有一段时间了，但现在对他来说，压力就像几年前一样自然。哈利让自己一动不动，让小天狼星适应这种感觉。
“Another,” Sirius said after a moment, “it’s alright, Harry. I’m already stretched.”
“另一个，”小天狼星过了一会儿说，“没事的，哈利。我已经捉襟见肘了。
Harry nodded again, lower lip held between his teeth, and withdrew. Then there were two fingers prodding at Sirius, slipping inside with only a slight burn, eased by the soft kisses that Harry had resumed placing along his sternum.
哈利再次点头，下唇夹在牙缝之间，然后退了出去。然后有两根手指戳着小天狼星，滑了进去，只留下了轻微的灼痛感，哈利继续在他的胸骨上轻轻地吻着。
“You’re so warm,” Harry murmured absently between feather-light brushes of his lips.
“你真暖和，”哈利在羽毛般轻盈的嘴唇之间心不在焉地喃喃自语。
The words sent a rush of warmth down to pool in Sirius’ gut. He arched up involuntarily as Harry crooked his fingers and a jolt of sharp pleasure shot up his spine. He buried his fingers in the sheets, clenched into fists around the soft cotton. A sound that was half sigh, half whimper made it through his teeth.
这句话让一股温暖涌上了小天狼星的心里。当哈利弯曲他的手指时，他不由自主地拱起身子，一股尖锐的快感冲上了他的脊椎。他把手指埋进床单里，紧紧握成拳头，紧紧抓住柔软的棉花。一阵半是叹息，半是呜咽的声音从他的牙齿里传来。
Harry seemed to have gained some confidence hearing the noises Sirius made, and he glanced up with a smile that was half shy, half sly. Then he bent forward again, pressing his face to the warm skin of Sirius’ belly, and licked a stripe right over his navel.
哈利听到小天狼星的声音似乎获得了一些信心，他抬头看了一眼，脸上露出半害羞半狡猾的笑容。然后他再次向前弯下腰，把脸贴在小天狼星肚子上温暖的皮肤上，舔了舔他肚脐上的一条条纹。
“Oh Merlin,” Sirius gasped, clenching hard. He was fully hard now, and Harry had to have noticed by the way his eyes flicked down, and his tongue swiped across his lips.
“哦，梅林，”小天狼星喘着粗气，用力地握紧了。他现在完全硬了，哈利一定注意到了他眼睛向下眨动的样子，他的舌头在他的嘴唇上滑过。
“You like that?” Harry said, looking up with a quirk of his lips.
“你喜欢那个？”哈利说，嘴唇微微一颤，抬起头来。
“Yes, I—fuck!” Sirius swore as Harry dipped down and licked again at the sensitive skin, then trailed another line of kisses down his happy trail, growing tantalizing close to his groin. Sirius could feel Harry’s warm breath on his straining cock as his tease of a godson mouthed at the skin of his inner thigh, skipping completely over the main event.
“是的，我——！”小天狼星咒骂着，哈利俯下身来，再次舔舐着那敏感的皮肤，然后又沿着他快乐的轨迹亲吻，在他的腹股沟附近越来越诱人。小天狼星能感觉到哈利温暖的呼吸在他紧绷的上，他对教子的挑逗在他的大腿内侧皮肤上，完全跳过了主要事件。
He felt the nibble of teeth and had to bite the inside of his cheek to hold in an utterly obscene sound. Harry seemed to take the sudden silence as a challenge, because he redoubled his efforts, sucking dark red bruises into the tender skin that made Sirius writhe.
他感觉到牙齿的啃咬，不得不咬住自己的脸颊内侧，才能忍住完全淫秽的声音。哈利似乎把这突如其来的沉默当作一种挑战，因为他加倍努力，将暗红色的瘀伤吸进让小天狼星扭动的柔软皮肤上。
Sirius’ hips rutted in the air, searching for friction. He only managed two thrusts before Harry’s free hand gripped his thigh and pinned him effortlessly down on the sheets.
小天狼星的臀部在空中发辙，寻找摩擦。他只抽了两下，哈利空出来的手就抓住了他的大腿，毫不费力地把他压在了床单上。
“Harry,” Sirius said, squirming under the unrelenting grip, “Harry, fuck, I swear if you don’t touch me, I’ll—“ he choked off with a gasp. He wasn’t sure what’s he’d do, beg, or maybe cry.
“哈利，”小天狼星说，在无情的抓握下蠕动着，“哈利，发誓，如果你不碰我，我就——”他喘息着哽咽着。他不确定自己会做什么，乞求，或者哭泣。
Harry laughed. “Of course,” he said, “anything for you.”
哈利笑了起来。“当然，”他说，“什么都给你。
And then he ducked his head down and took Sirius into his mouth.
然后他低下头，把小天狼星含进嘴里。
Sirius clenched his fingers harder into the bedsheets and just managed to not thrust up into the wet, velvety heat of Harry’s mouth.
小天狼星用力地把手指攥进床单里，只是设法不哈利湿漉漉的、天鹅绒般的热度里。
“Oh fuck,” he said, “Oh—Harry, fuck, you feel—“ and then Harry’s tongue came into play and all words abandoned him. One of his hands found its way into Harry’s hair, where he tangled his fingers into dark locks and held on, as gently as he could, making sure not to tug too hard.
“哦，，”他说，“哦——哈利，，你感觉——”然后哈利的舌头开始发挥作用，所有的话都抛弃了他。他的一只手伸进了哈利的头发里，他把手指缠成黑发，尽可能轻柔地抓住，确保不要拉得太用力。
Harry’s tongue was a thing of beauty. When he curled it around the head of Sirius cock, Sirius’ vision went white and he thought he might have glimpsed a vision of some higher plane with the pleasure. When he lapped down the shaft, kitten licks that grew bolder with each sound they drew out of Sirius, the world seemed to shudder along with them. When he finally flattened his tongue and pushed his head down as far as he could, surrounding Sirius with slick, tight warmth, Sirius lost all sense of reservation, and the sounds that came out of his mouth would’ve embarrassed him if he’d had a shred of awareness left with which to feel anything but yes-yes-please-more—
哈利的舌头很漂亮。当他把它卷曲在小天狼星的鸡巴头上时，小天狼星的视野变得茫白，他觉得他可能已经瞥见了某个更高层次的景象。当他舔舐着时，小猫的舔舐随着它们从小天狼星身上发出的每一个声音而变得更加大胆，世界似乎也随着它们一起颤抖。当他终于压平了舌头，尽可能地把头低下，用光滑、紧绷的温暖包围着小天狼星时，小天狼星失去了所有的保留感，如果他嘴里发出的声音让他感到尴尬，如果他还有一丝意识，除了是——是——请——更多 ——
All the while Harry still had two fingers—then three—thrust up inside him, pressing against that sensitive spot that made him writhe and curse. Pleasure built up sharply, starting somewhere deep inside his pelvis, and tugging at him with every twitch of muscle and hitched breath. He was sure Harry could feel it, the whole world could feel just how close he was, so strong was his trembling. Just as he was riding the edge of an orgasm, Harry pulled away. His fingers disappeared too, and Sirius whimpered. Actual tears welled up in the corners of his eyes. He wanted to beg, was going to just as soon as he caught his breath.
与此同时，哈利仍然有两根手指——然后是三根——伸进他的体内，压在那个让他扭动和咒骂的敏感部位。快感急剧增加，从他骨盆深处的某个地方开始，随着肌肉的每一次抽搐和急促的呼吸而拉扯着他。他确信哈利能感觉到，整个世界都能感觉到他离得有多近，他的颤抖是如此强烈。就在他快要达到高潮的时候，哈利抽身离开了。他的手指也消失了，小天狼星呜咽着。真的泪水在他的眼角涌出。他想乞求，一喘口气就要去。
Harry sat up, and Sirius could see his face was flushed, his lips red and shiny, his hair even more of a mess where Sirius had gripped it, and his eyes were wide and dazed.
哈利坐起来，小天狼星可以看到他的脸涨得通红，嘴唇红而有光泽，他的头发在小天狼星抓着的地方更加凌乱，他的眼睛睁得大大的，发呆的。
“Please,” he said breathlessly, “Please, Sirius. I want—inside. Please, can I—“
“拜托，”他气喘吁吁地说，“拜托，小天狼星。我想要——里面。拜托，我能不能——”
“Yeah. Yes. Just, let me—“ Sirius didn’t even bother with the incantation, just focused for a second, and then he was grasping Harry’s cock with a handful of conjured lube, slicking it down to the hilt. Harry jerked his hips forward with a gasp, fucking into Sirius’ fist.
“是的。是的。就，让我——“小天狼星甚至都懒得念咒语，只是专注了一秒钟，然后他用一把变出的润滑油抓住了哈利的鸡巴，把它滑到刀柄上。哈利喘息着向前猛地挺起臀部，着小天狼星的拳头。
Sirius tugged him forward, impatient already with the scant distance between them, until Harry was flush between his legs. Ever the fast learner, Harry moved with him, lifting Sirius’ hips up by a tight grip on his thighs—a pillow flew underneath, wordlessly summoned—lining himself up with a trembling hand and finally—finally!—
小天狼星拉着他向前走，已经对他们之间的距离感到不耐烦，直到哈利在他的两腿之间齐平。哈利学得很快，跟着他一起移动，紧紧抓住小天狼星的大腿把他的臀部抬起来——一个枕头在下面飞来飞去，无言地召唤着——用一只颤抖的手把自己排成一排，最后——终于！
The first push burned, even with the stretching and the lube. Sirius might have had a wild youth, but twelve years in Azkaban and several more on the run had all but atrophied his memory of what it was like to be filled so full. He didn’t even remember the face of the last person he’d done this with, some anonymous man in a dim and sticky pub bathroom somewhere. Only the sense of desperation remained in his memory, the specifics of the encounter long forgotten.
第一次推是燃烧的，即使有拉伸和润滑。小天狼星可能有一个狂野的青春，但在阿兹卡班的十二年和更多的逃亡中，他对被填满是什么感觉的记忆几乎完全消失了。他甚至不记得上一个和他做这件事的人的脸，某个无名的男人，在某个昏暗而粘稠的酒吧浴室里。他的记忆中只剩下绝望的感觉，那次相遇的细节早已被遗忘。
He could never forget Harry. He’d sooner forget his own name and all the constellations in the sky than he could erase this touch from his memory. Obliviate couldn’t touch something etched this deep into him.
“Come on,” Sirius murmured, shifting his hips impatiently. He must have jostled something, because Harry groaned low in the back of his throat.
It only drove Sirius to more desperation. “Harry, please—“ he said, pushing himself up onto one elbow so he could see just how far Harry had gone inside him, how closely they were joined.
“Wait, wait—“ Harry said, pushing him back down.
Sirius froze. “Harry?”
“No, it’s just—I need a minute,” Harry panted, a brilliant flush painted across his cheeks, one hand in the middle of Sirius’ stomach. “I don’t—don’t want to come right away.”
Sirius relaxed his shoulders. He broke into a slow, sly grin. “Oh, alright then. Although I do remember you telling me this wasn’t your first time.”
Harry swatted at him. “It’s not! I’m just—excited!”
“Oh, I can tell,” Sirius said. He clenched, and Harry made a sound that was suspiciously close to a whimper. He caught himself again, and squeezed warningly at Sirius’ thigh with the hand that wasn’t buried in the bedsheets.
Sirius took—well pity wasn’t the word he’d use for someone whose cock was buried halfway inside him, but he relented, laying back and watching Harry’s face scrunch up in concentration. It was mesmerizing in its own right, watching Harry’s eyes flutter, his long lashes falling across his cheek, his tongue peeking out just behind his teeth as he inched forward.
He wanted to reach up and smooth the frown off of Harry’s face, then press his fingers past those plush lips, feel that tongue curl coyly around his thumb. But he didn’t want to break Harry’s concentration either and have him accidentally end the night early, so he closed his eyes instead, focusing on the push, the slide, the burn of intrusion filling him with agonizing slowness.
Finally, just as his patience was reaching the end of its tether and he was ready to press his palms against the headboard and shove himself down, Harry bottomed out, hips flush against the curve of Sirius’ arse. The fullness was almost unbearable, so much more intense than he remembered after so long without anything like it. He was almost glad for Harry’s slow movements giving him time to adjust as well.
They stayed like that, panting and shifting minutely, feeling every movement through their joined bodies. Sometime in the pause, Sirius found Harry’s hand clenched against the bedsheets, and he coaxed it open with gentle touches. Harry clasped his hand back, interlacing their fingers and holding on as if their joined hands were the only thing keeping him anchored to reality.
“Good?” Sirius said after a minute that seemed to stretch on for an eternity.
Harry nodded. “Yeah. Good. Great! I feel—you’re so—I just want to—“
He rolled his lower lip between his teeth, eyes fluttering again. Sirius wanted to savor that expression for longer. He wanted to bottle it up and dole it out in little trickles when he was feeling sad, or hold it to his chest and never let go.
“‘S alright if you need to go slow,” Sirius murmured. He felt tingly all over, like static electricity underneath his skin.
Harry shook his head. “Please,” he said, “I want—I don’t think I can hold back. Can I—“
“Anything,” Sirius said, and he meant it, in the moment and forever.
Harry nodded, and drew in a deep breath through his nose. He lifted the corner of his mouth in a somewhat shaky smile, and started to pull out slowly, shuddering with every inch. When he was almost all the way out, he paused with another steadying breath, then surged forward to grab the headboard with his free hand and slammed back inside.
Sirius arched up, the sting of sudden fullness taking his breath and voice all at once. He grabbed on to the pillow with his free hand, just to have something to anchor him in the midst of the sudden pleasure. “Oh fuck,” he said breathlessly, “oh Circe, Harry—“
Gaining confidence, Harry shifted, shifting one of Sirius’ legs over his shoulder and canting his hips upward. The change in angle let him go further, each thrust seemingly deeper than the one before.
Sirius threw his head back again with a moan as a thrust hit the spot inside him that sent lightning up his spine, and the triumphant look on Harry’s face told him that had not gone unnoticed.
Harry drove into him again, in a rough, strong rhythm, all-encompassing in its intensity, like the pounding of the tide and Sirius was carried away on the current. It was just the right amount of force, just the right angle. The weight pressing down on him, the tight grip on his hands, the pulsing fullness that seemed to fill him more than just flesh and blood possibly could. His cock hung, heavy and aching, between his legs, painfully hard.
He was babbling. He was spilling words from his tongue that even he didn’t remember, begging to be touched, begging for more, harder, anything at all. He curled his toes, felt the pleasure surging up in him like
Sirius’ breathing hitched. He was so close it hurt.
And Harry—
Harry’s eyes hooked on his, a vibrant, hungry green, and he brought their hands, still joined, up to his mouth. It was barely a brush of his lips against the back of Sirius’ knuckles, but still the kiss burned like a brand on his skin. Then he lowered their joined hands, curling them both around Sirius’ dick, slicked with precome, and that was it. He was gone, spilling over his stomach with a wordless cry.
Harry groaned too. “Fuck,” he said, his hand still stroking Sirius through his orgasm, “that was—you were so perfect, Sirius. So perfect.”
Sirius opened his eyes and saw first Harry’s face looking down at him, mouth quirked in a smile, young and bold and beautiful. The certainty bloomed slowly in him then—that he would want Harry to look at him like that for the rest of his life, hang everything else. He was still tingling with the aftershocks, but he reached up and grasped Harry by the back of the neck.
“C’mere,” he said, and drew Harry down gently. He slotted their mouths together in a tender kiss. Harry was the one who broke this one, pulling away with a whimper.
“Please,” Harry whispered, panting against his mouth. His whole body was shaking, and he “I need, can you—“
Sirius smoothed his thumbs over Harry’s cheekbones. His face was an ember of heat and desire between his hands, and his eyes were wild sparks.
“Come for me, Harry” Sirius murmured, and that was enough. Harry shuddered and stilled, and a warm wetness filled him, and a squirming satisfaction rose in his gut at the sensation. He didn’t particularly like the feeling of someone coming inside him usually, but it seemed Harry was an exception in that regard too.
It took Harry a minute to catch his breath. He shifted Sirius’ leg off his shoulder, and leaned forward to rest his weight on his elbows, hovering above Sirius with an expression like the cat who got the cream. A smile kept bursting back involuntarily onto his face as soon as he’d managed to get it under control.
“Good?” Sirius asked, smiling back.
“The best,” Harry said, then flushed as Sirius laughed. “Don’t get cocky just because you gave me the most mind-blowing orgasm of my life.”
“Most mind-blowing orgasm of your life so far,” Sirius corrected.
Harry’s face turned a quite impressive shade of mauve, and he bit his lip again.
“Promise?” He said, and there was a strain of vulnerability in his voice. He was young again, standing on uncertain foundation despite his confidence earlier.
“Anything for you,” Sirius said. He poured every last ounce of sincerity he had into it. Anything was an easy promise when it came to Harry, not much different from what he’d already promised himself a thousand times over in his deepest of hearts.
Harry smiled, relief and joy wrapped up together, and flopped down with a groan right onto Sirius’ chest. The movement jostled him loose, and the pleasant warmth was quick to grow cold and clammy against the inside of Sirius’ thigh. Sirius found that couldn’t muster enough energy to care.
“I’m knackered,” Harry said after a moment, “d’you mind if just..for a moment…” his eyelids were drooping, and his voice a thinned until it was a whisper. He rolled most of his weight to the side and slung an arm over Sirius’ chest.
Exhaustion pulled at the edges of Sirius’ vision as well. He wasn’t sure of the exact hour, but he knew it was long past his usual bedtime. And however tired he felt, Harry must’ve had it worse, with all the excitement of his job earlier, and the barrage of tests at the Ministry.
“Sleep then. I’ll take care of everything else,” Sirius said. He grabbed his wand off the bedside table—some things were better done with more precision, especially amidst a post-coital haze—and cast in quick succession: a gentle cleaning spell on the mess between them, a drying charm for the mattress, and a summoning spell for the clean blankets out of the linen closet. The blanket settled over the two of them, warm and cozy. Harry murmured something that might’ve been a thanks and wrapped his arms more snugly around Sirius’ torso. He was snoring seconds after he’d closed his eyes.
Sirius watched him for a few moments, a fierce kind of tenderness welling up beneath his breastbone. In the morning, the rest of the world would inevitably come rushing back in to disrupt this moment of peace. But for now, he put all thoughts of the future out of his mind and thought only of pressing a kiss to the top of Harry’s head.
Harry murmured something unintelligible and turned his face into Sirius’ chest. His breath tickled.
A grin crept up the corners of Sirius mouth. The best, Harry had said.
“Still got it,” he murmured to himself, and sank slowly down into sleep alongside Harry.
*
Sirius woke up first, blinking into predawn grey just starting to seep in through the windows. It was not unusual for him to be awake at this time, plagued as he was by the same rote nightmares and uneasy dreams. But this morning there was a line of warmth against his side, and a strange and unfamiliar satiation that left him loose-limbed and relaxed.
He turned and saw Harry pressed up against him, shoulders bared to the morning chill and hair spread messily across the pillow. His face was slack in sleep, smoothed into a peaceful oblivion that made Sirius smile despite himself. The smile lasted a good few heartbeats before it faded in the memory of just what had led to Harry being in the bed last night.
The potion. The confession. And then—
Sirius stared at the ceiling, mind churning, fighting the urge to flee. He should probably wait until Harry woke—that was what good lovers did, wasn’t it? And they did need to talk—but he found himself antsy and restless. The sun had not quite risen yet, but Sirius found that he could not bear to stay.
He swung his legs out of bed, and winced as he set his feet gingerly on the ground. Muscles he hadn’t worked in ages protested at the movement, but it was a good kind of ache, a well-earned soreness. He winced again at the cold wooden floor against his feet, and made a note to redo the warming charms on the floorboards. The air was chilly against his bare skin, and he conducted a cursory search for his pyjama bottoms before remembering that they were currently floating somewhere in the Vanished ether.
He gave up and grabbed a robe haphazardly out of his closet and pulled it on. Before he left, he pulled the covers over Harry, making sure he was covered up to his neck. Harry didn’t stir, and Sirius took the chance to brush back the hair from his face. The famous scar cut a pale swathe across his forehead, and he murmured something sleepily before turning to bury his face endearingly into the pillow. Sirius’ breath hitched, and he let his hand fall away.
Then he went down into the kitchen, dug an old pack of fags from Remus’ last visit out of a drawer, and slipped out the back door. In the garden—bare except the roses that had wound themselves all around the fence posts and still somehow thriving this late in the autumn, and he really should check them for Devil’s Snare ancestry before they started on the house—he sat down heavily on the ratty wicker armchair that had come with the house and dug out a wrinkled cigarette.
He lit it with a small flame held between his thumb and middle finger, a bit of wandless magic he’d spent the whole summer after fourth year trying to perfect. It wasn’t useful for much else, honestly, but he had been inordinately proud to show it off to the other Marauders. He hadn’t needed it for years, but was glad to find that he could still pull up the small flame. The tobacco tasted stale, and he inhaled it slowly, savoring the burn of it in his lungs and the back of his throat.
As he exhaled, he watched a shroud of morning mist snake through the woods, wrapping white tendrils around the black bark of the pines beyond the fence. It reminded him of the mist in the Forbidden Forest on a full-moon night, or the sea spray against the rocks on the shores of the North Sea, endlessly crashing.
He had a sudden sense of unreality, of being out of his body. Like he might suddenly wake up and find it was all just a dream. Or he would reach out and stick his hand right through the chair, or the window. He hadn’t felt this kind of dissociation since the months just after the war, when he’d finally been free to walk out in the street for the first time in a decade and a half.
It was the taste of tobacco and the chill of the morning air on his bare skin that drew him back slowly. When he looked down, he found that his cigarette had burned down almost to the filter.
The sound of the back door opening again alerted him of Harry’s arrival.
He didn’t move when he heard Harry shuffling out behind him, and instead reached over to put out his cigarette and flick the butt away.
“Is that your Order of Merlin you’re using as an ashtray?” Harry said, with a low amusement in his voice.
Sirius grunted. “‘S conveniently shaped. And it’s only second class,” he said. It was a bit petty, he’d admit, but what he’d really wanted was to hot have been falsely imprisoned for twelve years, and then been a fugitive for three more. An Order of Merlin was a meager consolation prize.
The chair creaked as Harry sat down on the armrest on the opposite side. “I don’t regret it in the morning,” he said.
Sirius let out a slow breath that shook more than he liked. He did not glance up at Harry, though he could see through the corner of his eye that Harry was wearing another one of his robes, the green fur-lined one, cut in a style that had last been popular several decades ago, that he’d found in one of the closets when he’d been living at Grimmauld Place. He was pretty sure it had once belonged to his aunt Lucretia once upon a time.
He drew out another cigarette and snapped his fingers to light it. The flame caught on his second try, and the first drag calmed him enough to glance up briefly at Harry.
“I didn’t know you smoked,” Harry said quietly.
“I don’t usually,” Sirius admitted. He took a drag.
Harry hummed. He shifted, and the chair creaked underneath both of them. The silence turned stilted again, congealing in the air between them.
Finally, Harry huffed and blew back the hair from his forehead. “At least let me down easy if you’ve realized that you regret it.”
“I don’t,” Sirius said, sharper than he’d intended. This seemed to please Harry, who grinned and tentatively put a hand against the back of Sirius’ neck. The touch was warm, and he leaned into it before he could stop himself. Harry rubbed absent circles into the side of his neck with his thumb, right up against his jumping pulse.
Sirius sighed, rubbing his forehead. “Sorry. It’s been—a while. Since I’ve done something like this.” He waved a hand between them. The truth was, he’d never really done anything like this. There had been a girlfriend or two at Hogwarts, lots of fumbling in broom closets and empty classrooms, and at least one secret boyfriend who’d graduated before him and married some nice pureblooded witch not a year later. There’d been bodies in night clubs whose faces blurred into one long string of desperation to forget. There had been a parade of short-term partners with forgettable faces, none that had stuck around long enough to be called a boyfriend or girlfriend, just no-strings-attached fun.
Nothing as real as this. Nothing as frightening.
“You know, I was always afraid you’d start dating again,” Harry said, “I, er, didn’t know if I’d be able to stand it.”
The idea baffled Sirius. “And when would I have found the time to date between hunting horcruxes, dodging the press, and relearning how to live in polite society?”
A shifty look came over Harry’s face. “Well,” he said haltingly, “I thought you and Remus, er, might have been…”
“Me and Remus?” Sirius said, incredulously. He really did try hard not to laugh, but Harry’s flush told him his mirth might have been a bit too obvious. The thought might’ve held more water if he’d seen Remus show any interest in men.
“You seem close,” Harry said, a pink flush to his cheeks.
“We are good friends. The last of the Marauders,” Sirius said, his smile turning sad at the edges. “But he has always been firmly for the other side. I think in school he might’ve had a thing for Lily.”
Harry made a face. “My mum?”
Sirius threw his head back in a laugh. “Harry, if you’re going to date someone the same age as your parents, you’d best be prepared for this kind of talk.”
“Dating, are we?” Harry said, brightening.
Sirius bit his lip. There was the question he had been putting off since he woke up that morning. He glanced up at Harry at last, his godson perched on the armrest of the rickety rattan chair, looking back at him with clear eyes.
“You know it’s very different if we go public with,” Sirius said in lieu of an answer. His heartbeat thudded in his throat.
Harry didn’t reply for a moment. “Are you saying that because you’re worried about what people will say, or because you want an excuse to keep sleeping with me in secret?”
“Merlin, of course it’s because I’m worried about you,” Sirius exclaimed, “who wouldn’t want—“ he gestured towards Harry, with a wave of his hand that included all of him, “—you?”
The corner of Harry’s mouth twitched. “Well, you seem quite ready to refuse me.”
“I’m not that much of a fool,” Sirius said, “it’s just…” he looked out towards the woods again, stale smoke wafting into his face as he tried to arrange his words into something that would make sense.
Harry waited, uncharacteristically patient.
Finally, Sirius sighed. “At best they’ll say I’m too old for you,” he said, “at worst, they’ll say you’re not in your right mind, or I forced it, or—“
“I don’t care,” Harry said again, pressing a finger to Sirius’ lips to stop the protests, “you didn’t force anything. It might’ve been that potion that finally loosened my defenses enough to actually tell you, but I’ve wanted this—wanted you for a long time.” He swallowed, lowering his hands and twisting them on his lap. “I have—loved you for a long time. That’s the best way I can put it. And I know people will say I’m too young to really know, and I’m being reckless and stupid, but it’s the truth. It won’t change, because I’ve tried, I really have. I tried to give it distance, to think more familial thoughts, to date other people, but every time I visited, every time I saw you smile, or talk or even just look at me, I couldn’t. I always fall right back in love.”
Sirius sat very still in his chair. The warmth of Harry’s finger tasted like salt on his lips.
“So. Anything other objections?” Harry said quietly. There was a knot of tension in his shoulders, as if he were bracing himself for a blow. Or for rejection.
There was a fierce feeling welling up in Sirius’ chest, a mix of joy and relief and increasingly solid certainty. He stared up at Harry’s anxious face and realized that he had no more excuses. He’d run out, completely, or perhaps he’d simply grown tired of running.
“I suppose my own reputation can’t go any lower than escaped mass-murderer,” he said faintly.
Harry made a sound of offense. “You were innocent! Who’s still calling you that? I’ll have words with my solicitor about it.”
Sirius shook his head, amused. “No one to my face, Harry. It’s just an example of something that’s hard to shake. Your fans have certainly will have a lot to say about it, I’m sure.”
“Then I don’t care,” Harry said, still with a stubborn set to his jaw. “Hang my fans, or whoever thinks they have the right to talk about my life as if I don’t have the right to make my own decisions about who I decide to date or kiss or whatever.”
Sirius’ heart clenched. “Of course you deserve to make your own decisions,” he said. He wished that that had always been the case, but between living with the Dursleys and being an unwilling figurehead in a war that wasn’t his own to fight, Harry had been given the short stick over and over.
“Then I want this,” Harry said, slipping a hand to the back of Sirius’ neck. He leaned forward, dipping his head to press his forehead against Sirius’. “I want us.”
“Alright,” Sirius said, bringing his hands up to cup Harry’s cheeks. “Then you’ll have us.”
And Harry smiled, a rare, brilliant, beaming smile that lit up the whole predawn sky.