6 Compliments That Land Every Time
6 句每次都能得手的赞美之词

On a recent weekday afternoon, Xuan Zhao popped into the post office shortly before it closed. The man helping her was incredibly patient and went out of his way to assist her with a pile of packages. So before she left, she handed him a compliment card she had designed. “Your willingness to go the extra mile never goes unnoticed,” it said on the front. The flip-side read: “You’re receiving this compliment because your awesomeness deserves a big shoutout,” along with a reminder that kind words have the power to brighten other people’s day more than we might expect, and a suggestion to pay it forward. “He had such a big smile on his face,” she recalls.
O 最近一个工作日的下午，赵璇在邮局关门前不久突然来到邮局。帮助她的人非常耐心，不厌其烦地帮助她处理一堆包裹。临走前，她递给他一张自己设计的赞美卡。正面写着："您愿意付出额外的努力，这一点从未被忽视"。反面写道 "你能收到这张赞美卡，是因为你的伟大值得我们大声称赞"，同时还提醒我们，善意的言语有能力照亮别人的每一天，这一点超乎我们的想象，同时还建议我们回报他人。"他脸上洋溢着灿烂的笑容，" 她回忆道。

Zhao, a behavioral scientist at Stanford University who’s the CEO and co-founder of the well-being start-up Flourish Science, has spearheaded research that suggests we tend to underestimate the positive impact compliments have on both ourselves and the receiver. As a result, we don’t give as many as we should. “The compliment is one of these really powerful, small actions that brighten your day and brighten someone else's day,” she says. “And it costs nothing.”
赵是斯坦福大学的一名行为科学家，同时也是幸福初创公司 Flourish Science 的首席执行官和联合创始人。因此，我们没有给予应有的赞美。"她说：" 赞美是一种非常有力的小行动，它能照亮你的一天，也能照亮别人的一天。" 而且不需要任何成本。

Why is a compliment so impactful? One of the most important things to humans is to feel valued and respected by others, and like we belong, says Vanessa Bohns, a social psychologist and professor of organizational behavior at Cornell University, who has researched compliments. “We’re always attuned to any scraps of information we get about how we’re viewed by other people,” she says, but rarely do we receive any. “When we get a compliment, it gives us that feedback we want to know so badly about what other people think of us.” An expression of admiration provides a “sliver of hope” that we’re viewed positively in some attribute, she adds, like work or fashion—which activates the reward center of the brain and bolsters our spirits. According to Bohns’ research, people feel “significantly better” after both giving and receiving a compliment, compared to how they felt beforehand.
赞美为何如此有影响力？康奈尔大学组织行为学教授、社会心理学家凡妮莎 - 博恩斯（Vanessa Bohns）说，对人类来说，最重要的事情之一就是感受到他人对我们的重视和尊重，以及我们的归属感，她曾对赞美进行过研究。她说："我们总是在关注别人对我们的看法，" 但我们却很少收到别人对我们的赞美。"她说，" 当我们得到赞美时，它就会给我们反馈，我们非常想知道别人是如何看待我们的。她补充说，赞美为我们提供了 "一线希望"，让我们在工作或时尚等方面获得正面评价 -- 这会激活大脑的奖励中枢，让我们精神振奋。根据博恩斯的研究，人们在给予和接受赞美之后，感觉都会比之前 "明显好转"。

With that in mind, we asked experts to share some of their favorite compliments—and why they resonate.
有鉴于此，我们请专家们分享了他们最喜欢的一些赞美之词 -- 以及这些赞美之词引起共鸣的原因。

“You handled that situation so well.”
"你处理得真好"

Bohns recently used her favorite compliment when she saw a server navigate a difficult situation with a customer at the bar. “I like it so much because you use it in fraught moments where the other person is often unsure of whether they handled a situation OK,” she says. “It reassures the person that they did and shows them that their efforts to defuse a situation or help someone out have not gone unnoticed.”
博恩斯最近看到一位服务员在吧台与一位顾客周旋时，使用了她最喜欢的赞美之词。"她说：" 我非常喜欢这句话，因为你可以在对方不确定自己是否处理得当的紧张时刻使用它。"她说：" 这可以让对方放心，他们确实做到了，并让对方知道，他们为化解局面或帮助他人所做的努力并没有被忽视。

In situations that call for a compliment, don’t second-guess yourself. Dole them out generously. People sometimes worry that they’re going overboard with compliments and will start to sound insincere. That concern is unfounded, Bohns says. “Our threshold for how many compliments we think we should be giving is lower than what people find acceptable,” she points out. “You don’t need to go crazy, but you could probably be giving compliments more frequently than you think.” As long as you genuinely mean what you’re saying—versus making something up in hopes of personal gain—consider compliment permission granted.
在需要赞美的情况下，不要自我怀疑。大方地赞美别人。人们有时会担心自己的赞美过了头，会让人觉得不真诚。博恩斯说，这种担心是没有根据的。"她指出：" 我们认为应该给予多少赞美的门槛比人们认为可以接受的要低。"她指出：" 你不需要发疯，但你可能比自己想象的要更频繁地给予赞美。只要你说的是真心话，而不是为了个人利益而胡编乱造，你就可以认为赞美是被允许的。

“You make even ordinary moments feel extraordinary.”
"你让平凡的时刻变得不平凡"

This compliment—one of Zhao’s favorites—works well among romantic partners and close family members. “It's a beautiful and profound way to highlight how their presence turns life into something meaningful and worthwhile, despite mundane routines and the ordinariness of our everyday lives,” she says.
这种赞美是赵女士最喜欢的一种方式，在恋爱伴侣和亲密的家庭成员之间非常奏效。"她说：" 这是一种美丽而深刻的方式，可以突出他们的存在是如何将生活变得有意义和有价值的，尽管我们每天的生活都很平凡。

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If you’re afraid that giving a compliment like this will feel weird, you’re not alone. People tend to be overly concerned about how to give a compliment competently. We feel pressure to perform well—like if we don’t word our kind words perfectly, we’ll be laughed at. One way to overcome this fear is to do a practice run, says Erica Boothby, a social psychologist at the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania, and co-author of Bohns’ compliment research. “If it makes you personally feel like the bar is lowered for you to give a compliment if you write it down, or if you practice saying it out loud or giving your pet cat the compliment first, do that,” she says. Making yourself feel comfortable—by reciting compliments into the mirror, if that’s what it takes—is worth the effort.
如果你害怕这样的赞美会让人感觉怪怪的，那你并不孤单。人们往往过于关注如何称职地赞美别人。我们会感到压力，好像如果我们的赞美之词不够完美，就会被人嘲笑。宾夕法尼亚大学沃顿商学院的社会心理学家埃里卡 - 布斯比（Erica Boothby）是博恩斯赞美研究的合作者，她说，克服这种恐惧的方法之一就是进行练习。"她说：" 如果把赞美写下来会让你个人觉得赞美的门槛降低了，或者你先练习大声说出来，或者先给你的宠物猫赞美，那就去做吧。对着镜子背诵赞美之词，让自己感觉舒服，如果需要这样做的话，那就值得付出努力。

“I’m really impressed with your ability to work under pressure.”
"你在压力下工作的能力给我留下了深刻印象"

Respect is essential when delivering compliments. Most women can recall so-called “compliments” that didn’t land—think catcalling and other unwanted remarks about physical appearance. “These aren’t really compliments because they aren't showing respect,” Bohns says. Before you say something nice to someone, make sure you’re doing so in a thoughtful, appropriate way. If a colleague has just finished an impressive work presentation, for example, don’t compliment her looks. To do so “wouldn’t be saying, ‘We value you in this work context, where work is the important attribute,’” Bohns explains. “It’s like, ‘Nice try, but you looked pretty doing it.’” It’s also important to avoid backhanded compliments, which may appear innocuous but actually contain hidden criticism or insults—and to ensure your language isn’t sneakily comparing two people.
在表达赞美时，尊重是必不可少的。大多数女性都能回忆起那些不着边际的所谓 "赞美"-- 比如 "猫叫" 和其他关于外貌的不受欢迎的言论。"博恩斯说：" 这些都不是真正的赞美，因为他们没有表现出尊重。在你对某人说好话之前，请确保你是以一种深思熟虑、恰当的方式说好话的。例如，如果一位同事刚刚完成了令人印象深刻的工作汇报，就不要赞美她的外表。博恩斯解释说，这样做 "并不是在说，' 在这种工作环境下，我们很看重你，工作才是最重要的特质 '。" 这就像是在说，' 干得不错，但你干得很漂亮 '。同样重要的是，要避免反唇相讥的赞美，这种赞美看似无伤大雅，但实际上包含着隐晦的批评或侮辱。

“I love the way you bring out the best in people.”
"我喜欢你把人们最好的一面展现出来"

Be specific. Details can elevate a so-so compliment to a great one, so make it a point to highlight specific qualities or actions. Zhao likes this one because “it acknowledges an individual's willingness, effort, and growth mindset in recognizing and cultivating the potential in others—often before these individuals see it in themselves,” she says. “This is high praise for anyone seeking to make a positive impact, such as a leader or a teacher.”
要具体。细节可以将一个一般的赞美提升为一个伟大的赞美，因此要特别强调具体的品质或行为。赵女士喜欢这句话，因为 "它肯定了一个人在认识和培养他人潜能方面的意愿、努力和成长心态 -- 这些人往往还没有看到自己身上的潜能，" 她说。"这对任何希望产生积极影响的人，如领导或教师，都是很高的评价"。

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If you just watched someone deliver a compelling talk at a conference, for example, tell them which part resonated with you the most. Instead of a generic “good job,” say, “Your talk was really inspiring,” Zhao suggests. “If you can say a bit more about how it inspired you to think about something in a new way, that’s even better.” You can also tailor a compliment by, for example, acknowledging someone’s progress in an area they’ve been working hard on—like slowing their pace or cutting filler language out of their sentences—-which shows you value their progress and effort.
例如，如果你刚刚在会议上看到某人发表了引人入胜的演讲，告诉他哪部分最能引起你的共鸣。赵建议说："你的演讲真的很有启发性，" 而不是一句泛泛的 "干得好"。"如果你能再说说它是如何启发你以一种新的方式思考某些问题的，那就更好了"。您还可以根据具体情况进行赞美，例如，肯定某人在某个方面取得的进步，比如放慢语速或减少句子中的填充语言，这表明您重视他们的进步和努力。

“Hey, great earrings!” "嘿，好漂亮的耳环！"

Feel free to compliment strangers. In Bohns’ research, students on a college campus were told to approach a stranger of the same gender and compliment them—about, for example, their nice shirt. Before heading out, the study participants were asked to guess how good the compliment would make the other person feel, and it turned out they underestimated the positive effect—while overestimating how annoying it would be to be stopped by a random stranger. “Across all contexts, it makes people feel better than we expect,” Bohns says. Strangers are more likely to be flattered than befuddled. Plus, who knows? You might make a new friend in addition to making someone’s day.
随意赞美陌生人在博恩斯的研究中，大学校园里的学生们被告知要走近一个同性陌生人并赞美他，比如赞美他的衬衫很漂亮。结果发现，他们低估了赞美的积极作用，同时高估了被陌生人随意拦住的恼人程度。"博恩斯说：" 在所有情况下，赞美让人感觉比我们预期的要好。陌生人更有可能受宠若惊，而不是一脸茫然。另外，谁知道呢？你可能会结交到一位新朋友，同时也让别人度过愉快的一天。

“Your performance was brilliant.”
"你的表演太精彩了"

People rarely tire of receiving kudos, so if you’re with a friend who’s considering paying a compliment, encourage them to do so. “If you’re not the one who has to figure out the right wording and go talk to a stranger, you can see more clearly that it’s going to make someone feel good,” Bohns says. Say something like, “You really enjoyed that person’s talk—go tell them how great it was.” And if they demur, saying the speaker has probably heard it a million times? Remind them that once more might be the icing on the cake.
人们很少会厌倦接受赞美，所以如果你身边的朋友正在考虑赞美你，不妨鼓励他们这样做。"博恩斯说：" 如果你不是那个要想出正确措辞并去和陌生人交谈的人，你就能更清楚地看到这会让别人感觉很好。你可以这样说："你真的很喜欢那个人的谈话 -- 去告诉他们有多棒吧"。如果他们不同意，说演讲者可能已经听过无数次了？那就提醒他们，多听一次可能会锦上添花。

And when you receive one: say “thanks.”
收到礼物时，说声 "谢谢"。

Many of us feel awkward accepting compliments—we might blush, avert eye contact, start mumbling in embarrassment, or even disparage ourselves. If that’s you, remember how good the person complimenting you stands to feel—and smile while responding, “Thank you, that means a lot,” Boothby suggests. Though it might be hard to think outside of yourself in the moment, consider it an “opportunity for building or enhancing your connection with the other person,” she adds. Both of you will leave the interaction happier—and it will fuel the rest of your day.
我们中的许多人在接受赞美时都会感到尴尬 -- 我们可能会脸红、转移视线、开始尴尬地喃喃自语，或者甚至贬低自己。Boothby 建议说："如果您是这样的人，请记住赞美您的人的感觉有多好，然后微笑着回应：" 谢谢，这意味着很多。Boothby 补充说，虽然当下可能很难跳出自己的思维，但可以将其视为 "建立或加强您与对方联系的机会"。她补充道，" 你们双方都会更开心地离开这次互动 -- 这也会为你接下来的一天增添动力。